Can't help it...I'm sitting here stewing in my own mental juices.
K and I were watching a movie the other night...Hope Floats. This s a wonderful little movie about a woman who is jilted by her husband by finding out he was cheating on her on Jerry Springer. So she and her daughter move in with the grandmother to a little back woods country town. Harry Connick Jr, falls in love with her, she's confused, her daughter is angry at her...there's just so much going on in this movie.
I'll tell you what though, watching this movie after my divorce was a major enlightening experience. One of the points of the movie is that the main character is going through a heart wrenching time. She's confused and awkward and trying to find herself again.
THANK GOD, I"M NOT THE ONLY ONE!
I just feel not myself anymore. I'm quiet, shy, not aggressive or outgoing like I used to be. Definitely scatterbrained. It's aggravating. I don't know what I've reverted too, but I almost feel like that puppy you find at the pound that kind of skitters back when you try to pet it, and you just know something happened to that poor dog. I should probably seek out some professional help, but I neither have the time or the money. Perhaps sometime soon. Until then, I'll self-therapize.
(I know therapize isn't a word! But I can't help but grin, because everytime I see this word, I visualize Bush Jr saying it then going, "heh, heh, heh". Oh imagination, what would I do without you?)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Oh Neil...
What is The Diamond trying to tell me? In deep contemplation of life, Neil seems to be the recurring theme lately when I'm trying to figure everything out and trying to get a handle on my sanity. He's always playing on the radio just when I need it. Why is that? What are you trying to tell me Neil?
Anyway, I miss my old work buddies today. I was just thinking about how frustrated I am at work lately, and realized I don't have my old support system. I don't think employers realize how well the buddy system works in keeping their minions happy. Before I used to be able to walk over to my friends desk, vent, and then move on. Now I just stew. It's miserable.
All in all, I am doing better. Trying to get a happier attitude about life in general. I think I was tested and passed quite well yesterday afternoon on this. Essentially I got into an auto accident. A minor one, but no accident is ever pleasant. After he hit me, the guy popped out of his truck to scream bloody murder at me. I briefly gave into this insanity and started acting defensively, then came to my senses, calmed down and resolved th situation. I was proud of myself.
So, what else? Gawd, there's so many things that go through my mind at any one time, but to share all would be a novel of War and Peace proportions. The only thing left that is foremost in my mind, is my inability to pursue those things that I really enjoy. I feel pushed for time on work and volunteer work. I just want a sane moment to clean my room, do my cartoon, maybe read a book. Ugh!
So, time to find the balance. I may block out my time, but it's very difficult given my erratic schedule and love of sleep.
Thanks everyone for the words of consolation and comfort! Talk to you soon.
Anyway, I miss my old work buddies today. I was just thinking about how frustrated I am at work lately, and realized I don't have my old support system. I don't think employers realize how well the buddy system works in keeping their minions happy. Before I used to be able to walk over to my friends desk, vent, and then move on. Now I just stew. It's miserable.
All in all, I am doing better. Trying to get a happier attitude about life in general. I think I was tested and passed quite well yesterday afternoon on this. Essentially I got into an auto accident. A minor one, but no accident is ever pleasant. After he hit me, the guy popped out of his truck to scream bloody murder at me. I briefly gave into this insanity and started acting defensively, then came to my senses, calmed down and resolved th situation. I was proud of myself.
So, what else? Gawd, there's so many things that go through my mind at any one time, but to share all would be a novel of War and Peace proportions. The only thing left that is foremost in my mind, is my inability to pursue those things that I really enjoy. I feel pushed for time on work and volunteer work. I just want a sane moment to clean my room, do my cartoon, maybe read a book. Ugh!
So, time to find the balance. I may block out my time, but it's very difficult given my erratic schedule and love of sleep.
Thanks everyone for the words of consolation and comfort! Talk to you soon.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Busy, busy, busy...still
Perhaps it's time to explain everything that's really going on in my life. I've been tentative to explain because I know a lot of people involved read this blog, or could read this blog (who am I kidding? no one reads this blog anymore).
A few weeks ago, a fellow Toastmaster mentioned that a position had opened up at her company and I should send along my resume. I figured, why not? So I sent it along, and she immediately replied that I would be perfect for the job and talked me into formally posting for it. I must admit that when I eventually saw the job description, I thought I would be perfect for it.
Well, unfortunately, when I posted my cover letter, there was an incident and my boss got wind of my new activity. I have NEVER posted for another job before or since, so imagine my horror for her to find this out.
We talked things over and eventually got past the awkward phase, but she's been repeatedly asking me about the progress of the interviews. I understand. Me leaving is a dilemma. I do a lot of reporting that no one else can do.
Now who knows how this will all pan out. Most likely it will all come down to money. (I hate to say that.) I really do enjoy the job I have now, although I'm stressed to all heck and receive no bonuses. But my boss is great with flex-time, which I appreciate to no end. And she's devastated at the thought of me leaving.
This other job puts me in the position of newbie status again, but I love a good challenge. The people seem good. Cafeteria. Potential bonus'. Larger company.
So all of this has kind of put my head in a spin. I have no idea what's going to happen. I seriously need a vacation.
A few weeks ago, a fellow Toastmaster mentioned that a position had opened up at her company and I should send along my resume. I figured, why not? So I sent it along, and she immediately replied that I would be perfect for the job and talked me into formally posting for it. I must admit that when I eventually saw the job description, I thought I would be perfect for it.
Well, unfortunately, when I posted my cover letter, there was an incident and my boss got wind of my new activity. I have NEVER posted for another job before or since, so imagine my horror for her to find this out.
We talked things over and eventually got past the awkward phase, but she's been repeatedly asking me about the progress of the interviews. I understand. Me leaving is a dilemma. I do a lot of reporting that no one else can do.
Now who knows how this will all pan out. Most likely it will all come down to money. (I hate to say that.) I really do enjoy the job I have now, although I'm stressed to all heck and receive no bonuses. But my boss is great with flex-time, which I appreciate to no end. And she's devastated at the thought of me leaving.
This other job puts me in the position of newbie status again, but I love a good challenge. The people seem good. Cafeteria. Potential bonus'. Larger company.
So all of this has kind of put my head in a spin. I have no idea what's going to happen. I seriously need a vacation.
Monday, January 21, 2008
You'd think I'd be happy
I actually have several things I should be excited about.
A potential new job is one of them. However, my old boss is laying on the guilt hardcore about it. She says she doesn't begrudge me an opportunity, but... I have a 2nd interview this week. I hope I do well.
I made a proposal to Toastmasters yesterday and that went over extremely well. I'm now in charge of updating the arizona toastmasters website. Which I was excited by, but since Sunday morning I've just been in a funk.
These feelings just come out of nowhere. I was actually doing well until Saturday night. Then overwhelming feelings of loneliness just swamped me. These feelings used to come much more strongly. At least they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.
I do appreciate my roommates/friends. Yesterday morning I just didn't want to get out of bed. They knocked on my door, harrassed me, then gave me breakfast and coffee in bed. Of course, after that scene, I had to drag my butt out of bed and be social. It's not them I'm grumpy with, just my life in general. Okay, my social life in general.
I think it started when something brought to the forethought of my mind that's it's been a year since I separated from my husband. A year. A year without someone to share with, a year waking up lonely in bed, a year going to sleep without someone, a year without someone to hold me, a year without making love to someone.
I do try to fend off these thoughts. I am a very finicky person when it comes to dating, however quite frankly no one has asked me. So I start wondering what's wrong with me. I wonder how much longer life will be like this. I try to resign myself to thinking that there may never be another in my life. (Especially if all that is left out there is married men and schmucks).
This morning I woke up with a sore shoulder. It intensely desires to be rubbed. I could go to a masseuse, but that takes money I just don't have right now. It would be nice to have someone to just massage it, to hold me, and tell me all those supportive things I need right now. Especially the old standby..."You'll get through this."
A potential new job is one of them. However, my old boss is laying on the guilt hardcore about it. She says she doesn't begrudge me an opportunity, but... I have a 2nd interview this week. I hope I do well.
I made a proposal to Toastmasters yesterday and that went over extremely well. I'm now in charge of updating the arizona toastmasters website. Which I was excited by, but since Sunday morning I've just been in a funk.
These feelings just come out of nowhere. I was actually doing well until Saturday night. Then overwhelming feelings of loneliness just swamped me. These feelings used to come much more strongly. At least they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.
I do appreciate my roommates/friends. Yesterday morning I just didn't want to get out of bed. They knocked on my door, harrassed me, then gave me breakfast and coffee in bed. Of course, after that scene, I had to drag my butt out of bed and be social. It's not them I'm grumpy with, just my life in general. Okay, my social life in general.
I think it started when something brought to the forethought of my mind that's it's been a year since I separated from my husband. A year. A year without someone to share with, a year waking up lonely in bed, a year going to sleep without someone, a year without someone to hold me, a year without making love to someone.
I do try to fend off these thoughts. I am a very finicky person when it comes to dating, however quite frankly no one has asked me. So I start wondering what's wrong with me. I wonder how much longer life will be like this. I try to resign myself to thinking that there may never be another in my life. (Especially if all that is left out there is married men and schmucks).
This morning I woke up with a sore shoulder. It intensely desires to be rubbed. I could go to a masseuse, but that takes money I just don't have right now. It would be nice to have someone to just massage it, to hold me, and tell me all those supportive things I need right now. Especially the old standby..."You'll get through this."
Monday, January 14, 2008
Life, thy name is exhaustion
At least lately. I'm so tired, I don't even remember if I've blogged about this before. Oh, well.
There certainly has been quite a few things going on in my life. Most of this for the time being is Toastmasters stuff. Not only am I a member, but I'm also VP of PR for my club, assistant for registration for the officer training conferences, team lead on a fairly large district project, and well, there's always room for a few more projects in between.
As if that wasn't enough, work has been harassing me lately. It's to the point now, that when I see my boss IM or email me, I get anxious. Things are just so hectic at work, I'm going crazy.
On the flip side of that, I have an interview for a new job scheduled. It's a phone interview, so I'm a little nervous. I don't do well on the phone. I hate the inability to see gestures and facial expressions. And it's an hour long. Ugh!
My personal issues seem to have gotten better lately. I'm not so emotional or freaky-outy so much anymore. Just aggravated at lack of sleep and a life. But we'll see what the future provides. Hopefully a lot of this workload will decrease.
Well, I better get back to work again. Take care loverlies!
There certainly has been quite a few things going on in my life. Most of this for the time being is Toastmasters stuff. Not only am I a member, but I'm also VP of PR for my club, assistant for registration for the officer training conferences, team lead on a fairly large district project, and well, there's always room for a few more projects in between.
As if that wasn't enough, work has been harassing me lately. It's to the point now, that when I see my boss IM or email me, I get anxious. Things are just so hectic at work, I'm going crazy.
On the flip side of that, I have an interview for a new job scheduled. It's a phone interview, so I'm a little nervous. I don't do well on the phone. I hate the inability to see gestures and facial expressions. And it's an hour long. Ugh!
My personal issues seem to have gotten better lately. I'm not so emotional or freaky-outy so much anymore. Just aggravated at lack of sleep and a life. But we'll see what the future provides. Hopefully a lot of this workload will decrease.
Well, I better get back to work again. Take care loverlies!
Friday, January 04, 2008
Okay...this is it...
Today is the day I write a post and actually post it. Yes, I've actually written posts and not posted them. Simply because I got distracted by something else or was only halfway through the post and didn't have time to finish it.
So much to update, so I can only really choose one thing to talk about (because simply I still don't have the time).
This year I resolve not to make resolutions. I hate the word resolution. It's synonymous with "something I want to do, but quite frankly will never get around to." So this year, I'm making goals.
Now I haven't gotten around to actually setting them yet, but I have Franklin Covey on my side and as God as my witness, I will set my goals.
Off the top of my head I can tell you what I'm leaning towards or may include:
1) Being happy
Why is this not usually at the top of our lists? I know in years past, my #1 goal has usually included "getting finances straight" or "lose weight". This year it's all about Onyx's state of mind. I'm tired of worrying and being sad. So, I'm going to focus on those things that truly make me happy such as doing my comic strip, learning guitar, and making more free-time for myself.
2) Get my finances straight
Okay, so it didn't make top billing, but this is still important. After the divorce my finances got really screwy. Top that off with a smattering of Christmas cheer (aka spending way too much money) and you have a pretty debtful Onyx.
3) Improve health
I've been horrible at this one lately. I've lost weight but I haven't been drinking water, eating healthy, or exercising at all. It's time for me to step up my game.
I don't know about the others just yet. I'll probably throw in some "set realistic expectations" and "figure out what I want to do career-wise" in there too. Perhaps I'll even take a school course or two. Who knows. I'll let you know when I've finally figured it out.
So much to update, so I can only really choose one thing to talk about (because simply I still don't have the time).
This year I resolve not to make resolutions. I hate the word resolution. It's synonymous with "something I want to do, but quite frankly will never get around to." So this year, I'm making goals.
Now I haven't gotten around to actually setting them yet, but I have Franklin Covey on my side and as God as my witness, I will set my goals.
Off the top of my head I can tell you what I'm leaning towards or may include:
1) Being happy
Why is this not usually at the top of our lists? I know in years past, my #1 goal has usually included "getting finances straight" or "lose weight". This year it's all about Onyx's state of mind. I'm tired of worrying and being sad. So, I'm going to focus on those things that truly make me happy such as doing my comic strip, learning guitar, and making more free-time for myself.
2) Get my finances straight
Okay, so it didn't make top billing, but this is still important. After the divorce my finances got really screwy. Top that off with a smattering of Christmas cheer (aka spending way too much money) and you have a pretty debtful Onyx.
3) Improve health
I've been horrible at this one lately. I've lost weight but I haven't been drinking water, eating healthy, or exercising at all. It's time for me to step up my game.
I don't know about the others just yet. I'll probably throw in some "set realistic expectations" and "figure out what I want to do career-wise" in there too. Perhaps I'll even take a school course or two. Who knows. I'll let you know when I've finally figured it out.
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