You may not hear from me for awhile....

I don't know how to better sum it up than what I wrote my roommates in an email today:

I don’t know. I’m in a conundrum. I’ve been really depressed
lately. And I’ve been trying to work out why that is. I think you were right the
other night. I’m just a personality that needs to be needed. And now, that you
guys are busy and everyone else is busy, I’ve been feeling a little unneeded.
But…

I think it’s good. I think I actually need that. I’ve spent
fifteen years of my life constantly catering to other people’s needs that I have
no idea about my own. Or who I am. I’m thinking what I actually need is the
opposite of what I’ve been trying to accomplish, which is trying to find new
friends, a new boyfriend, finding things to do.

I think what I
actually need is just time alone. Time to rediscover myself and figure out who I
am without trying to provide for others. I’m just not sure how I’m going to
accomplish this considering my plate is so full right now. But what I need is to
just be by myself for awhile.

Or maybe I’m just crazy and looking
for answers anywhere I can find them. I just know that I’m just not myself right
now and I have no idea how to get back there.

Need to expunge

I know it's been a few days, but I really haven't been myself. Extremely emotional. But today is my turning point. I will feel better today. I will get a handle on things.

Okay, I really meant to write more, but I'm getting a bit tired now. And I'm not really sure how to explain all the insanity I've been through in the past few days. Loneliness has certainly played a key part in this.

But today, I feel stronger. Today should be better.

Just can't stand myself lately...

I've become this weak, needy, pouty individual lately. Whatever happened to the strong, independent, so-sure-of-herself Onyx I used to be?

I don't know if I've said this before but divorce plays havoc on everything. Your emotions, your self-esteem, your finances, your complete outlook on life. You become almost the opposite of what you were prior to going through all the crap.

So today, my mantra is: "I'm a strong, independent, smart, creative, funny, beautiful woman who doesn't need others to confirm or supply her self-worth."

Did I mention my best friend isn't at work anymore? Yes, this has gotten to me. But, I'm not going to stand for my self-pity anymore, damn it! I'm going to start moving, getting social, getting vivacious, and proactive.

I can't be this weepy, self-obsessed, depressed little weakling anymore. I have to snap out of this. It's really not healthy.

So no more self-conscious, co-dependent Onyx.

(This thesaurusical entry brought to you by the makers of chocolate, "If you can't afford Xanax, eat your way to happiness.")

That's just a joke. I've actually lost quite a bit of weight. I'm good. I'm good.

Internal Monologue

So, if your crazy like me, you have imaginary conversations in your head. Hey! I'm aware they're imaginary. I have to blame my grandmother. She's the writer in the family, so I frequently imagine conversations with other people throughout the day. I guess these are probably things if I had the cajones to say, I would. But I'm chicken...anyway...

So obviously in some cheesy mood, I started to think:

"You have to understand. I look hard on the outside. Independent and capable and put-together, but on the inside..."

(this is where it goes downhill)

"...well, I guess you could say I'm like an egg. Hard as hell on the outside, but once you get through the exterior, I'm a gooey mess."

(which even I looked at myself funny, as in WTH? You, Ms. Onyx, are weird. The sad thing is...that analogy is completely accurate.)

And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away...

For a few weeks now, I have these random moments in which I have a strong desire to go somewhere. Visuals of me in my Mini Cooper packed up with my cats driving along a road to many places pops into my head at random moments.

The other night I was envisualizing sitting on a California beach at night. Hands under my knees, waves rolling in, wind blowing through my hair, and the relection of the moon in the deep blue in front of me. Just sitting on the sand and experiencing the beauty. I don't think I've actually ever seen the ocean at night except in movies. I would like to do that...soon.

Earlier today I came across pictures of places I have a great desire to visit. These are ancient cities, relics, monuments of the great past. I want to visit these places more than say some museum or cheesy tourist attraction. These beautiful buildings nestled in nature...that's where I want to be. Someday...

Can you identify whats wrong with this picture?

Take a closer look if you can't see it...

Yes, as my friend Karrie so aptly noticed...at the local grocery store they've placed the sugars next to the diabetics food section. Oooo, harsh.

How did we end up in this section and actually noticing this? Well one of my best friends has been diagnosed as Type II diabetic. Actually it's not too much of a change for him yet. He'll have to watch his carbs, take a twice daily blood reading, and start to take pills. Unfortunately the day we decided to get all healthy food in the house, he also noticed that a certain ice cream brand is now carrying fried ice cream flavored ice cream. Oh cruel world!!!

It's only been two days?

Seriously...I feel like it's been a week since I last posted.

I finally found out why I've been feeling like crap. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. What, with all the stress and everything going on in my life.

So the past two days my throat has been getting this tickle. I've been coughing a lot more recently, but I figured it was from my chain smoking the last few days (hey, it's been stressful). So last night, it bugs me even more. I go to bed, then wake up gasping for air at about 3 a.m. Talk about freaked out. I'm amazed that I even went back to sleep after that little scare. Wake up this morning, and I feel like hell. My throat is bugging me, I switch off between dizzy and tired, not to mention I was cowering over the ole porcelain throne this morning. Ugh! So obviously I've caught some kind of bug. If it persists more than a few days, I'll visit the doctor. I'm suspicious that it's allergies or perhaps strep.

Anyway, the ex has been pretty decent the last few days. After our little Friday debacle, he texted me to let me know he got the papers. He called the mortgage company to say it would be okay for me to take over the house. The only issue is I called them yesterday, submitted my application, and the guy said he would get back to me with options. I haven't heard from him since, so I think I've provided him with quite the case. Things haven't been easy since the seperation and now I'm 1/2 the buying power I used to be. So cross your fingers for me.

Other than that, doing well. Just trying to get through the day without going home sick, but I feel it's probably inevitable. Thanks for all the kind comments. I'll be sure to visit soon. :-)

Oh...My....God....

I'm so freakin tired, but quite honestly I think I'm just coming down from everything. Let me recap this weekend...

Friday, I finally did it. I finished my divorce papers. I drew it up in a fashion that I thought was both fair and equitable (my favorite term for the month) for both of us. I dragged my friend Karrie down to the courthouse then stood in shock. Not only from the fact that I was finally doing it, but that it was so freaking easy. Well that part at least. The part where you hand over the documents you've been stressing over for months, only to have some clerk quickly stamp and hand them back to you after you fork over $300.

So...after I filed for divorce, Karrie and I started Step #2. We deliberated for a good half hour over how to deliver the divorce papers to my husband. Don't believe the movies. While you can serve summons through a process server, you also have the choice to just hand them personally over (and then wait for them to go notorize the acceptance), or you can have them sent certified mail (at least in Arizona).

I wanted to be nice...really I did. I called up the ex and told him I had filed. He freaked. At first he said he was going to contest it then he started muttering about "whatever". Then I asked if he wanted to meet me at a bank to have it notarized, but he just wanted me to leave the papers at the house. Well, I want to get this all done as soon as possible...we made agreements about the house and I just want it all processed. So I sent him the divorce papers certified mail. I haven't heard from him since Friday and UPS already tried to deliver the papers but apparently he wasn't home.

Seems like there's always going to be something to worry about. Him accepting the delivery. Him not contesting the divorce. Him calling the mortgage people, me getting my loan, me paying off the debts...

However, I am a little excited. If he doesn't contest it and we can move in relatively soon, we saw some really nice kitchens at Ikea the other day. Karrie believes it will cost us about $10k to redo the entire house. I hope so. I might be able to just afford it.

Anyway, exhausted today. My good buddy and comrade started his new job today. I'm without break buddy, but I really am excited for him. I love new opportunities. I just want Karrie to be happy now.

*sigh*

Well another day, I better get back to work. Take care all!

Emotional Entry

Most times, right before I start typing, I sit and deliberate in front of my keyboard if I really want to post what I'm feeling at the moment. I feel it's important to get my emotions out and share what I'm going through...a bit of an exorcism. However, I also know by the end of the entry I'll be crying my eyes out. It's almost like searing a wound to close it up. It'll feel like a bitch while it's being done, but you feel a whole lot better after the fact.

A lot has been going on in my life right now. My closest work and home bud is getting ready to leave me (at work.) As an adult this should be a bit disheartening, but as a emotionally-fucked up person, I'm really dreading the breaks and lunches without one of my closest confidantes.

Also, this friend recently received some news about his health the other day. It's not fatal, but certainly life-altering. It was a bit of a shock, but it can be managed.

My other closest friend is going through some stressful times herself. In the process of looking for another job, and dealing with her boyfriend's issues, I'm certain it gets to her. She's been incredibly busy, yet she still finds the time to pull me out of my funk.

Which brings me to the most stressful situation in my life at the moment. I spoke to a lawyer, he said we could proceed with our plans as long as we're both in agreement about it. I just have to draft up the papers and submit them. Then that will be it. I don't know if I'll be able to keep the tears from coming as I walk into the courthouse and submit the paperwork to end a 14 year relationship officially. To add salt to the wound, you have to pay $300 for it as well. I'm fearful that the clerk will look up at me and say, "Are you sure honey, cause you look awfully distraught."

Of course, I'll be sure. Of anything in my life, I deliberated over this choice the most. I'm certainly miserable at the moment, but still not as miserable as I was. At least at this point in my life, I know there's hope for something better. Change. Even if I don't feel very hopeful at the moment.

Aside from all of this though, and I'm being quite openly honest about something that irks me more than anything, sometimes the most heart-wrenching thing of going through all of this, is going through all of this alone. I know I have my friends. I have my family. And they (you) have all been awesome.

Yet...I was married for 10 years. In a serious relationship for 14. Granted it was no cake walk, but I miss the good parts. When you're with someone, no one cares about you more than that someone. You're not an afterthought. They get little wrinkles in they're forehead from worry over how you're doing. You have secret jokes. Share secret glances. When you're not feeling good, they do everything in their power to help you. They tell you how wonderful you look today. They tell you they missed you. They touch you, embrace you, hug you, snuggle with you. Human touch should never be taken for granted. I miss that the most. Nothing compares to it. Not a pet. Not a teddy bear. Not a big fluffy pillow.

More than anything, I miss that. I didn't have much of it when I was married, but God I miss that.

And some days, I sit out on the patio and I tell myself that I don't need that. That I'm a big girl now. That I need to learn to live without that before I can have that again.

I'm such a liar.

Brain has checked out...

One thing I'm hoping that will occur after the finalization of my divorce is the return of my mental faculties. I've been so emotional and spacey and retarded since all this has been going on. It occupies my brain a majority of the time.

As well as the divorce, I've been worried about my friends and finances and work. I think my brain is overflowing with everything. It's just pushing my common sense and listening skills right out the door.

Example: Kris, Karrie and I went to lunch. When Karrie dropped us off at work again, Kris realized he didn't have his phone. So he called Karrie from my phone and asked her to look around the car to see if he had left it there. When she called back, the reasonable thing to do is just hand the phone over to Kris...but no...I wasn't thinking...so I answered the phone....awkward moment...Me: "Did you find it?"...Her: (silence) "Uh, yeah"...Me: "Ummm, do you want to speak to him?"....Her: "Uh, yeah."

I know...not that big of a deal, but stupid and I keep beating myself up about this kind of stuff. I'm really sensitive right now, so most of my conversations with people are followed up with me obsessing over analyzing the conversation for the next hour or so hoping I didn't piss anyone off.

*sigh*

Admittedly Hiding Out

My mother and grandmother are wonderful human beings. And granted I had three days off this weekend, but I just wanted to hole away at home again. I feel like I should have visited them, but I just wanted to park my butt on the couch and zone out to video games and movies with my friends. I did get some things accomplished this weekend: went to the lake, drew up some papers relating to the divorce...

This whole divorce is just exhausting me. I feel like I don't want to visit anyone or do anything until it gets resolved. We did find an alternative solution, but may not be able to do it until the divorce is finalized, which is aggravating, but oh well. Anything worth doing, is worth not rushing, I suppose.

I've had a lot of thoughts and emotions running through me lately, but just haven't had the energy to put them down to paper, or rather blog.

So I'm going to sign off here.