Update

Thanks to all of you for the kind and supportive words. I've just been barely making it through these last few days. My emotions range from both extremes, but I feel the choice I made is the correct one for things to get any better in the future.

I move this weekend, which I am looking forward to. A little space and time to gather my thoughts unimpeded will be good. Although a ping of melancholy hits me every once in awhile when I realize what I'll be missing at home. But change is never easy. I'll be okay.

For those interested in the other side of the story as it progresses, my husband has decided to also keep an online blog (link located to the right under littermates). He has read my blog and I'm okay with that. If nothing, I feel honesty is the best thing right now.

So...comics to start up again probably after I move and I have a few free moments to myself. Right now I'm just living day to day, and that's okay.

Will update soon. Take care good friends. :-)

Big Changes

Okay, I guess it's about time I stopped pussing out and updated on what's going on in my life.

I went to see the psychologist and she confirmed my suspicions. So I made a decision. At this point I feel it would be better, for both of us, if I left for a brief period of time. This will hopefully allow hubby to grow and mature and show me that he's really serious about the relationship. I'm moving in with a few friends close to work, and have told hubby that we could see eachother during that time, but that I needed space.

One of the frequent questions brought up from people was why not see a marriage counselor first? Well, I had brought that up a week or so when I mentioned leaving, but he didn't seem to want to go see a therapist. By last week, I just felt so exhausted emotionally that I felt I needed a break. Also, there was a deep fear in my heart that if we just kept having talks, and I forgave him, that things eventually would return to the way the were and Iwould constantly being going from promise to promise on a wave of desolation.

So...I move out in a week. Friends of mine are upgrading their apartment from a two-bedroom to a three-bedroom. I'm taking the cats. Gosh, I really don't know what to say...*sigh*

Round and Round

Are how my thoughts are lately. My mind is nothing but chaos. Also, I've been so busy with my pals that I've got minimally done at home and on my comic strip. I should try to get one done tonight, but it's already 11 and hubby JUST told me he has a doctor's appt tomorrow at 7 a.m. Ugh!!

So...where are we at this very moment? I think my friend K put it best: mixed messages.

As I said, I do love my husband, I'm not sure I'm still IN love with him. As cliche as that sounds, it's pretty accurate.

He did get me roses. I called and thanked him and he acknowledged that and promptly hung up on me because he was in a meeting (forgivable). Then never called me back during the day (he used to call me like 11 times throughout the day...my coworkers and friends used to poke fun at the fact he was always calling me.) So still I try to put myself in the right frame of mind and drive to pick him up after work. I get there at 5:10 (10 minutes after he gets off work), txt him that I'm there and then he txts back, "k".

So I wait...about 20 minutes.Then he comes bounding out the door and says he was caught in "a meeting". Which I could see he was at his desk, but even if he was in a meeting he could have txt'd a quick, "be out late" to give me warning.

He then proceeds to try to act funny and affectionate, which I give him credit for the effort, but even as he's doing it I make my effort but my heart's not really in it. Which I will totally hate myself for being that bitch that feels nothing although the husband is trying his best to patch things back up.

Then I ask about dinner...he says he's not hungry...but asks me what I want...I end up having QT taquitos...we get home...he asks if I'm going over to RandKs...I say I don't know but have been invited...he encourages me (damn it for writing posts 5 hours after the fact because I really can't remember the exact way he propositioned it), but essentially he has encouraged me once again to go off and have fun without him. While he stays at home and plays games.

I freakin don't know what to do. I know he's making an effort, but I don't know for how long, and I don't have fun with him anymore, and my mind analyzes everything, and I end up feeling like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions followed by random trips on the mental carousal.

Thank God for the professional help I'm seeing tomorrow. I don't know if I can take this much longer.

Epiphany

If you ever see a girl at work who receives flowers and it's not a holiday, birthday, or anniversary...feel sorry for her. I now have to make up some excuse when people ask other than, "He's trying to repair a relationship that's already broken."

*sigh*

Good Weekend, Bad Husband

This weekend was relatively good. Lemme search the darkened corners of my mind to figure out what I did. It's pretty much all a blur...

Friday, Blue and I went to play Texas Hold'em with some new friends. R&K were supposed to go, but only R showed up. K was exhausted, so we had to deal with it. I drank only two and a half Smirnoffs, and got drunk off my ass. Not puke or annoying drunk, thank goodness, but drunk enough. I also lost my money very quickly. But that's okay, my entire purpose for that night was just to get stinkin drunk. Why?

Hubby and I had a discussion prior to me going out. I informed him I was going to see a ocunselor and he pretty much freaked out. Once again, he gave me sad puppy eyes and promised to pay attanetion to me more. My response? I'm gonna go get drunk. (If you live with all the mixed messages I live with, believe me...you'd get drunk too.)

Saturday, Blue and I went to WW. Then picked up some breakfast and hubby. He was trying to make an effort to hang out with us (me), but wanted to go home after picking up his new gaming keyboard and mouse. So Blue and I went clothes shopping, then came home to get ready for the night. We even fit a little Thai food dinner in there somewhere (Thanks Blue!) Hubby was more than happy to allow me to go out so he could spend precious time with his first-person shooter game. We had a great time at the club.

Sunday, I was invited over to R&Ks for karaoke. I informed K that I couldn't come over, or if I did it might be later tonight because hubby was insistent that we have a 'date' before the weekend was out. (Actually he said, "We're going out tomorrow because I don't want you to complain that I didn't take you out this weekend.")

I wondered if I should even ask considering he made such a big deal out of taking me out to a movie. But then again one of the first things he said that morning was, "It's too cold out. Why don't we skip the movie and just do a rental?" Uh...okay.

Then when I told him about R&K, he jumped at the chance for an excuse, "Yeah, why don't you go over there? Have fun! Just bring back a movie, any movie you want babe, and we'll watch it tonight."

This progressed to him calling me around 6 p.m.: "Honey what time you gonna be home? Can you be home by 9 and pick me up some food?"

To me calling at 9 and getting this response: "Uh, the rommate and I ate so you can stay there as long as you want. Have fun."

And then me arriving home to him asking if I was angry. No, I'm not angry. I'm confused and hurt, but not angry anymore. I was pretty much numb yesterday too. I thought for sure things would change around. But the most pitiful thing? My most astute observation that both of us are relieved to not spend time with eachother. Sounds sad, but...I was more than happy to take up the karaoke invitation and he leapt at the chance to play his game.

And Mark...he hasn't touched the Playstation 2 yet. At all.

Thank God for Wednesday.

Confusion

That's the emotion of the week, ladies and gentlemen.

I keep mulling things over in my head. The way my husband treats me, the way I feel, going out, finances, work...they just keep turning round and round in my jumbled brain. Sometimes I feel like I should just live with it and other times I feel like crying out of desperation. I know this won't resolve itself, so I've sought professional help.

I think about leaving him and I cry as I envision the hurt look in his eyes. But then I think about staying and being lonely and feel miserable. Fuck!

Being a logical person, I really hate emotional issues. The logic in me knows what to do, but the emotional side of me is a jumble.

I think I just got something...

Part of the reason why I'm frustrated? I have two paths in life right now. One is to settle down, have kids, and just chill out. The other is no kids, and freaking party all the time. Considering option A is out of the picture (thanks to hubby's lack of interest in taking the test), option B is the only option other than sitting at home and staring at the wall.

I think I chose the right option.

Too bad hubby is going for option C.

I'm regressing...

to a 21 years olds life. The past three nights? Nuthin but partying.

Thursday we went to the bar and played pool. (We meaning my work buddies and R&K) Massive amounts of fun were had. They even had entertainment. Some white dude was give the waitress some hassle. She called the bouncer, and the bouncer got in this guys face and told him to leave. The guy wouldn't so the bouncer pushed him into a pinball machine and then kicked his ass out. Then the guy called the cops on the bouncer. Geez!!

Friday was club night. We went to Graham Central Station and karaoked our hearts out. However this evening was even more eventful than the last. Our friends, R&K, offered to drive. K was the DD. We get about a block away from the club when we get pulled over. Because of some mixup at the DMV the cops ended up taking their license plate and we were about an hour away from home. Fortunately one of the other girls we were giving a ride to had her car in the club's parking lot. SO we went to go get it then they took us all home at about 4 in the morning.

Last night, I proposed to drive. Thank goodness we went somewhere a little closer. We eventually talked K into karaok'ing. It was her first time. So she gets up there and belts out a mean "Open Arms" by Journey. She's got the whole room frenzied. The dj jumps up there and starts dry humping her. She makes her goodbye and the goes to leave the stage...then she BIFS it. Major bad sprain. We took her to the ER and spent the rest of the night there. 5 freakin hours. But we were with friends, R&K and Blue, so it wasn't half bad. Just exhausting.

So I must leave again. Having too much fun for my own good.

I'm such a karaoke whore...

For the past two nights, I've gone over to R&Ks to karaoke (well, aside form the fabulous company). I love it! I can't get enough of it. As a matter of fact, I want to bug Blue to share her American Idol karaoke so we can go some more rounds.

Current state of mind is confusion though. I'm trying to feel better. Trying to cheer myself up. Hubby is still fanatically playing video games, thus the going out virtually every night. And I'm tired, Lawd, am I tired!! But I can't help myself. I'm addicted to being happy for right now. I just wish I was happy with hubby. No, like WITH hubby. While we're together. Laughing. Having fun.

*sigh*

Thank Fuucking God for Friends!!

Whew!! Not sure what it is, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. Quite frankly I wouldn't be surprised that part of my depression was due to PMS, but...

Hubby has been taking more responsibility and treating me nicer.
I learned to chill out.
I've spent massive amounts of fun and counseling time with my friends this weekend and today.

Most fun was going over to check on my friend who had the issues this weekend. I work with her boyfriend, so Igave him a ride home and visited with them for FOUR FREAKIN HOURS. May I say, I love friends like this. I could spend hours on end, and have, with people who are just so much fun to be around.

We ate. Looked at pictures. Played video games. Played karaoke. And had scads of fun. I must admit by the end of the night, I wanted to hug them tightly and tell them how truly great they are and show my appreciation for how much better they made me feel.

I seem to be surrounded by wonderful people lately.

I always seem to forget how truly great good friends are.

Okay, enough of the sappy crap.

My Friends Are Too Smart...

My friends really have been good through all this crap. I hate taking over every conversation with what's going wrong in my marriage, but they've been great.

All of my friends have great advice, but one friend I spoke to today had different advice. He mentioned a relationship book he was reading. And the crux of the matter is this:

I've set down an ultimatum with my husband. He's on pin and needles as it is and everything I do is like a test that most likely will end up in failure. He plays games to avoid what he feels is the inevitable, which is me leaving him. He's also starting to distance himself from me, as I have him, to reduce the hurt when the end of the relationship occurs.

Part of the problem is that every moment we have together is fraught with anxiety and letdown. We don't ever just have fun with eachother anymore. His suggestion? I do something that hubby likes to do...not make him go out and do something I like to do...to begin with.

Essentially this is a two way street if I really want the relationship to work. I have my reason, some good and some bad, in support of the destruction of our relationship. But I have many reasons as well to try to patch it up. I'll keep you updated.

Raked Over The Coals

God, I feel like crap. Emotionally, physically...let's explain the easy one first.

I still have a cold, only instead of nausea now, I have congestion. And a somewhat drippy nose. It's driving me nuts. Ugh!!! Better than the nausea though. I can't help but wonder if this is due to the stress in my life.

So last night, I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, snuggling up to my teddy bear. Thinking about my marriage. How he didn't get me a Christmas gift. How we discussed it Wednesday and he said he would draw my cat as a gift. How he promised it Thursday...that passed. Promised it over the weekend...that passed. How I sit alone in bed, on the couch, going out. How I sit there and pretend that bear or the blanket I'm cuddling is male. How he just plays video games all the time. How he makes all sorts of promises, then fails to follow through unless it can be accomplished ten minutes after the promise is made. How if I really had to, I could wait until he works then try to get an apartment where Blue stays. How I should actually tell him I'm thinking of separating.

I couldn't get to sleep thinking all that, so I got up and walked to the living room (where he was playing games.) I sat on the couch. Mulled it over another minute and then told him, "How much longer can it be this way?"

I told him everything I was thinking. Argued with him over the fact that the actions he doesn't take show how little he really does care. That I know he loves me, just in a platonic sort of way. I mentioned the separation. I told him if things don't change by the time he starts working again, "I'll be staying somewhere else."

Of course, I stayed up a couple of hours after that. He sat on the couch with me and watched stupid things. And then he went to bed with me. He started running his fingers through my hair while I sat there and silently cried. I cried because it had been eons since he touched me like that. And it felt so good. And I just sat there and kept thinking, "I just want you to treat me like you want me. Like I'm something special in your life. Like today is going to be our last day together. Like you want to spend time with me. Like I'm your wife. I've given so much. I've been with you through depression, unemployment, drugs, psychological issues. Now I need you. I don't care if you don't do dishes. Or clean the house. Or do the damned laundry. I want you to touch me. To hold me. To love me."

So we'll see. I don't want to throw away a marriage. I do love him. He's a good guy. I just question his motives for staying with me. We'll see...

Busy Weekend

Oh geez, it's late. But I feel compelled to update. First of all, my apologies. I haven't updated because I've been sick. This was a nasty sick too. This was a sore throat and ever so annoying nausea sick (completely different from that, oh so joyful nausea.)

So, uh...semi-made up with hubby. Things are semi-better. Still frustrated. Still confused. But still hanging on.

Friday I was determined to have a good time, so Blue and I went to a poker game with some friends. Lots of fun was had. We played. I lost. I got drunk. We went to a bar. I got had a Petron shot. We went to the club. The dj sucked. The company was nice. A great time was had by all. I got to sleep at 4 a.m.

Then I woke up this morning at the butt crack of 8 a.m. to go to Weight Watchers. Blue stayed for breakfast. We went shopping. I got a PS2 and lots of games (including karaoke - don't judge me - and Evil Dead). We had intended on going to play pool with the friends from Friday night, but didn't get the call until about 9 p.m. They were in the E.R. The girlfriend had a heart attack. Fuck!

Thank God she's alright. I don't envy either of them, but at least they didn't keep her long. Well, frickin doctors. They didn't find anything wrong so they sent her home. But I am of the mentality that if something went wrong then you better fuckin find out why before you declare me 'not broken'.

Anyway, I've had 4 hours of sleep. My nose is running. And I'm coming down from the worry. I'm going to sleep.

Damn Men!!

Okay, enough of the lighthearted crap. That's right...the bitch is back. The whiney, moany bitch that is. It's time to vent.

I've been having issues with my husband. I'm sure many of my blogging buddies (as well as my non-blogging ones) are fully aware of that. Crimes he's guilty of?

- Not paying enough attention to me
- Not having sex with me
- Not getting me a Christmas gift (among other holidays)
- Not treating me like I'm his wife, more like his mother
- Playing video games non-stop whenever I'm around

Now I'm sure this doesn't seem like much to most. I've even heard a few people say, "Well, it could be worse. He could be abusive." But quite frankly I've never seen a judge in court say to a parent, "Well you were negligent, but not abusive, so I'm going to award you parent of the year."

This frustration and hurt has been building inside me for quite some time. So I laid it all out for hubby. (I know I probably shouldn't be airing this all out but to a few close friends, but...I gotta get it out...and I have to remember.) I talked to him on the phone at work and said we had to talk. Then I emailed him everything I wanted to talk about later that night. Then I made the dreaded ride home, after getting up some courage from some very close friends before I left.

So I got home. We ate. We cleaned up. Then I went outside.

I poured my hear out. I told him I was hurt. I told him I didn't think he was attracted to me anymore. I asked him how he'd feel if when he was a kid, he came out on Christmas day to find no presents. And asked him how that would make him feel. And asked him what he'd think he thought his parents felt about him based on that. And how he'd feel if it happened on every holiday. I said everything. Everything I was feeling ranging from hurt to anger, frustration and disbelief.

Of course, he said all the things he should have. He even asked if I'd had enough. If I was ready to leave. I was so close to saying yes, but I wimped out.

I mean, I've been married to him for 9 years. With him for over 12. You don't easily give up on that. You don't just walk away from that. But I also honestly told him I don't know how many more chances I have in me. I told him that while things would be good short-term, I didn't know how long it would last.

I guess I'll just wait and see. And hope.

I Think I'm Allergic to Month-End Reporting

For some odd reason, every first of the month now, I get sick. I was sitting in wonderment the other day at the fact that I made it past the holidays without so much as a sniffle. Usually I'm sick as a dog (have no idea what that one means either) on the holidays. Nose red, eyes watery, throat constricted.

But not this year! Thanksgiving...all good. Christmas...all good. New Years Eve and Day...all good.

Well with the exception of today.

First of all, I got to sleep around 11 p.m. last night. No problem. I have to wake up at 6 a.m. That gives me 7 whole hours to sleep blissfully.

Oh, but hubby can't sleep. which normally isn't an issue...but I keep on waking up to him doing something different. At one point during the night, I woke with no idea what woke me up. When I looked down towards the end of my bed, my husband popped up. This couldn't wait until morning:

Me (very sleepily): "Uh, what are you doing?"

Hubby: "Mumble, mumble, mumble" (starts to walk away)

Me: "No...what were you doing?"

Hubby: "Just getting up."

Me: "I can see that. What were you doing down there in the first place?"

Hubby: "Oh, just laying with the dog."

Now I must have been tired, because at this point I accepted his reason as perfectly acceptable and nodded off again. He woke me up again at 6 a.m. to which I sighed and realized it was time to get up and ready.

I don't care who you are. It's not normal to wake up at this time. My stomach has been queasy all morning. I thought a Burger King breakfast would help (don't ask). But to no avail.

So here I sit...queasy, tired, and confused. I sure hope this day either goes fast or my stomach gets better.

Good Fucking Riddance 2006!

This year is finally fucking over! Goodbye crappy 2006!

Thank God it's now 2007.

Hope you are looking forward to the new year as much as we are!!