So where was I?

Ahhh, starting anew. 

Screw it all. I don't know why I've been so stressed. Worst case, hopefully, I get fired, I take a week off, I get working at a temp agency and I look for a new job. 

I can do this. I'm a mom. I'm hearty and I survive. I've also survived my mom being sick, lived in the desert, been the child of divorce, been unemployed, been broke, supported my husband, supported various friends and family, dealt with my mother's death, my dog's death, my two cats death, my husband going crazy, doing drugs, my heart broken, my heart healed and back labor pain for 32 hours. 

Yeah, I can do this. 

So my next focus is...what do I want to do with my life. I've pretty much hit mid-life crisis. I have all this debt. A wonderful family, but also a grandma who's getting on in age, friends who are experiencing life much more differently than I am, and a boyfriend who is probably going to hit aging crisis soon as well (they hit it much sooner.)

I have life I want to enjoy. I want to exercise again and feel strong. I want to sit and read a book. I want to relax and take in a beautiful day. I want to show Ridley all the wonders in life and earth. I want to build my relationships and have deep, meaningful discussions again. I want to renew my passion in life. 

Of course, all this means getting sleep or at least finding some substitute for it. So many things to ponder, but right now...I have to work.

Sometimes, I wish we had the luxury...

Work has gotten slightly better. My 1:1 on Thursday, while not encouraging was at least not frightening. There are some rules (that I'll cover below) that I learned and need to adhere to. 

However, this morning we had an issue. Ricky needed to get in early, but Patti needed help with the pack n play. Leaving late, he insisted that we drop me off first because, as he said, "we can't afford for YOU to lose your job." It is horrible that the thought of losing my job is somewhat look forward to? I mean, I don't really want to lose it, but my back is in knots from the stress. And I would love to catch up on sleep and spending time with my kid. My entire life, I've always been able to afford to allow my boyfriends the ability to quit their jobs. Ricky has done it at least once, and Rob a bit more frequently. For once, I'd love that luxury. Kick back for a few months while looking around. 

*sigh*

Really, what it comes down to, is I need a vacation. I need to relieve this stress somehow. Of course, once i figure out if I have my job or not. Once, we pay off some bills. Once we get life straightened out, i can do that. But I'm wondering, if that ever really happens? 

Even so, I must remember, that we're still very fortunate. 


Rules of Work

• EVERY email must be treated like it's a final draft and going out to the Executive board
• Make sure everything is labeled in the most sensible way

Oh goodness...

I've put myself in quite a pickle. Well, that's putting it lightly. I've actually been a bit MIA from my journal because I've been completely stressed out. I'm a perfectionist by nature and right now, I'm not. 

I've been placed on warning at my work. 30 days from the day before Thanksgiving. This situation is stressful in it's very nature, but to learn you may get fired the week of Christmas, stresses you out beyond words. 

I should have seen it coming. This job since it's inception, has been muddled. My first interview should have been an indicator. I was pretty much interviewing myself. My "future" boss was fairly uncommunicative throughout the interview. I had to lead it. 

When I started my job, I started with a few low level analysis. I stuck to the formatting structure, talked to my customers, and was fairly happy. Then the entire team quit/transferred and my boss asked for volunteers to take on Domains. No one offered so he volunteered me. I should have known by everyone's lackluster response. I was thrown into the job with only less than 8 hours of training from the previous employee (who was transferred to another department, and I was not allowed to ask her questions after her transfer.) My boss, who had done the job himself, was often too busy or responded that he didn't know where data was in an effort to make me "find it myself." 

After being assigned Domains, I was thrown into Splits. A convoluted process with virtually no training. Immediately I was given a very high priority, high visibility and complicated split...which I promptly messed up. And rather than help me, my boss simply informed me, "When you make mistakes, you make our department look bad. Don't do it again." And continued to have me do the complicated split for another week or so.

After that, I made a couple more mistakes, all this over the span of two years. Through maternity leave, stress, and living within a bubble. However at my year end review I was informed that I received a "Needs Improvement", but that I was already improving and would not have to worry about the "performance improvement plan" HR was making him do. 

Months later, he phoned me and warned me that he was scheduling a meeting that HR had been hounding him about (his words.) And that he was calling to let me know that he was scheduling the meeting so I wouldn't worry. 

So day before Thanksgiving, I arrive at this review with HR (in a conference room located in front of my peers.) At the beginning of the meeting, I'm handed a stapled set of papers that lists everything I did wrong and stated if I didn't improve, I would be fired or placed on extended warning at the end of 30 days (12/21/2012.) The irony of the day was not lost on me. 

So, trying my best, I've developed checklists, checked my data twice before sending out, but my best wasn't good enough. Someone found an error in one of my reports and now I know my days are literally numbered there. My PIP said absolutely no errors for a quarter. I had one. 

So...that takes care of exorcising my demons. Getting it out. Now for the part I need to stay sane. To continue to believe in myself. To continue on and realize, that while I may not have succeeded at this job, I am not a failure. 

• I have do what not many can do. I take tons of metrics and analyze, format, and present them in a matter of hours. And I do this multiple times a day. 
• While I could have communicated more, my training was near to none and expectations were exceptionally high. 
• I learned from my experience and bring that with me. 
• I know how I failed, and I know how to fix it. 
• I know what I don't want to do or where I want to do it. This job from the beginning was an experiment. I wanted to try a highly competitive, newer company to see if I liked it. I don't. Even if I had succeeded at keeping my job, I would have been utterly miserable. And probably would have stayed. 
• I've missed being the main caregiver to my kid. I would love some time at home to help him develop. And explore. And discover. 
• I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive family and friends. 
• Finances are gonna suck, but we'll streamline and do things we didn't do before...like cook. 
• Hopefully, my next job will be less stressful and I can enjoy work again. I've been so stressed, I literally shake physically when going home. 

So now I need to pick myself up, learn from my mistakes, and fix this mess. 

Why am I here?

Such a  big question, that could apply to many different circumstances. However, I'm considering it at my current place of employment. 

This job is certainly taxing. I spent all day tweaking and generating. We spent a whole day trying to identify a way for new and experienced users alike to comprehend our analysis'. All in all, I must say my boss' boss was very kind about the issues that arose from Friday's email. Nothing was wrong, per se. We just have a different audience now. Perhaps I need to research how to speak to a varied audience. Hmmm...

Anyway, through all the tweaking, I think i still not fair too badly. I wasn't hacked to pieces. I wasn't criticized  Unlike my immediate "mentor", this was viewed as an opportunity for improvement for everyone, not a personal criticism. I enjoyed that. It's been awhile since I've been treated as someone who isn't an idiot. 

However, this lead me to think..."What am I doing here?" Most people consider this under the pretense of not being happy and needing to look elsewhere. However for me, it's really a realignment of my priorities and goals. I'm at a perfect place to learn. Yes, maybe the environment is not ideal, however this could be a great challenge and victory if I get my stuff straight. 

We do internal reporting, but almost at a public level. I'm relied upon to pull and analyze large amounts of statistical and marketing data. Yeah, I'm that guy. And it could be very lucrative and fulfilling. But first I need to prioritize and refocus. 

Holy Crap

What a day! What a week! 

We are broke as sin, but paying off our debts.

I struggled like crazy today to get some reports done, annndddd for the most part got them done. Let's see what's left?

• Finish up activation reports
• Help Amanda with her website
• Figure out Ricky and my goals
• Finish laundry
• Clean the house
• Snuggle with my babies
• Find a way to go to Thai on Tuesday. 

Have Fun...

Unsure why this thought hit me this morning. I realized I lost my ability to have fun, no matter what I do. 

What happened to me? I suppose that doesn't matter as much as what is going to happen to me?

I've decided to infuse fun into everything I do. No more moping or bitching or complaining. No more judging or hassling. Just plain old fun. Life is way too short, especially now I'm getting older. Plus I have to set an example for my son and more importantly, my boyfriend. 

So what to do today?

Well it IS Halloween, so I suppose incorporating fun might be a little easier today. 

To Do:
- Intl report
- Conversions
- Laundry
- Have fun with family
- Take tons of pictures
- Stay on track with diet

Priorities Have Changed

Now if only I could remember that...

Yes, I'm trying to be less task oriented and more awesome oriented. Funny, R and I talked the other night and he said his goal for us was pretty much be the best at everything. I wanted to argue that, but honestly that used to be my goal. Nothing like a few stretch goals to get you motivated. 

This weekend was busy but full of good times with friends and family. I must admit ultimately I do enjoy the busy times to the slow ones. 

I suppose I should find some happy medium between tasks and lifestyle. There's just so much to do...

Well shoot, I'm staring to hate schedules and to do lists, Well maybe not so much to do lists. I need to figure out how to keep track of everything without feeling overwhelmed. 

For some reason my body is raving working out. Could be because I'm starting to feel normal again. So some things to take care of tonight:

• Finish laundry
• Clean floors
• Clean up kitchen and living room
• Teach Riddles something new
• Watch Amish and Princes 
• Do Prague stuff (AI schedule, bookings) 

Wait...perhaps I should segment this up into who I'm doing it for. Hmmm...

I know it sounds odd, but I was my most happiest when I was helping others. Perhaps not so weird, it is Ghandi's teaching after all. Must think this through some more. Perhaps tonight. 

Oh Goodness

SO and I had a massive fight and discussion last night. Both of us knew something was wrong but both of us thought we knew how to fix it. Looks like neither one of us knew how. 

So it was a good conversation that lasted until 2 am. Now I'm super exhausted but feeling much better. 

Now on to the hard part, actually making some changes. 

Baby steps, baby steps...

Today I pledge to:

• Get excited about something. 
• Stick to my diet plan (Just need to lose 1 more lb to hit my goal for this week)
• Get interested in my job

I need to stop worrying about mundane stuff like cleaning and laundry. I know I'll do that. And if I just keep to my tasks schedule, I should be okay. Just need to make sure everything is set up. What I really need to focus on is my relationships and my quality of life. Perhaps that's my first big step. Ensuring my goals involve the quality of life and happiness, not my environment around me.

So tired...

of everything really. Work is frustrating. My relationship is frustrating. Everything else is exhausting. 

On the bright side, I came to a couple conclusions:

(a) All this time I've been thinking about hiring cleaning help really matters. I allowed myself to fantasize for a brief moment what life would be like if my bathrooms were clean, my trash emptied, my dishes washed, my floors swept, and my laundry done. Seriously would be so worth it. I can't afford to right now, but I warned SO that in five months, it's as good as done. 

(b) I spend way too much time worrying about food. So crockpotting is the way to go. I can not worry about wasting time buying food and prepping it at night. If I just plop it in the morning, it'll be ready by night no matter what our plans. And it's healthy. So done with trying to scramble around and eat poorly.

(c) I am not failing as a mother. When I came home from NYC it's like my eyes and ears opened. I started noticing that he was using words in association with things. Not sure why, but Rio is associated with 'nuh' and he mimicks barking. He also was able to understand how a sticker works tonight. I do believe he may be at that age where I can reinforce NOT to eat things. 

(d) I seriously need to stay focused at work. Which means no FB, no internet. And yes, my boss is not a very good one. He's friendly and smart, but he does not give his employees the support and recognition they need to flourish. So I need to find other ways to flourish. I've always thrived on recognition and thanks. Not gonna happen here. Perhaps I need to recognize myself? Maybe share wit colleagues? Maybe find an alternative way to feel fulfilled?

(e) My FB mommies really are a great source of encouragement. I've been so zombified these past months. I finally reached out with a real problem and they were great. I need to take time and focus on them too. They really are a great source of advice. 

(f) I do not spend enough time with my friends. I may be older and wiser, but they are living life. I enjoyed spending time with Sabrina this weekend. It was nice to get out and do stuff. However I need to reach out even further. I had fun, but not too much. I need to push my boundaries to feel again. Like I said, I've been zombified and I need to experience feelings and emotions again. 

I'm not gonna push this. I'm going to take my time and refocus on getting better. The only thing I know for sure that I need to do right now is journal and try to figure out what to do by baby steps.

Augh!

Per usual, I have a million things to do before I leave late tomorrow night. R's show is tonight...early. So I'll be watching Riddles and putting him to sleep which means he'll probably wake up again. I need to get tons of laundry done. Clean the house before I leave (okay, that one's not as important.) And a million work projects to get done today. Pack. Look for my big coat. Bleh. 

So, focus for today: Prep for tomorrow. 

Work

• Get 4 tab done
• Get 9.99 done
• Get Short Stack done

Personal

• Laundry
• Find coat
• Deposit $$
• Pack Riddles
• Pack myself

Okay, maybe it's not as much as I thought. I think I'm just overwhelmed with work and personal issues right now. And tired. And ugh...I need to do some yoga or meditation. 

So tired

I really do underutilize my journal. I just noticed I've been keeping this blog for 7 years. Not consistently, but geesh. And some years only have a few posts. I really need to start keeping a traditional diary with what's going on in my life, my fears, my happy times...

I' am truly tired at the moment, but a friend is coming over to have a girl-to-girl talk. So, I'll be up. Waiting...

In the meantime, my father surprised me tonight. Yes, my father who was estranged from me for about 4 years. We made up and he is an amazing grandfather. Even more surprisingly, his wife is an amazing grandmother. I mentioned that our vertical blinds were broken the other day and next thing I know we have new blinds. PLUS he gave me a considerable amount of money to take to NYC with me. My initial reaction? Grateful but now I feel guilty and searching my memory banks for times I said or insinuated I was broke.

(Oops, had to go to talk to my friend.)

Vicious Circle

I have not time to reflect and plan because I'm busy working and cleaning and taking care of my family. But I need to plan in order to properly devote time to all these things including myself. Whew! 

I really need to plan this out. Last night I slacked because I wanted to enjoy time with my men and watch the debate. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again, but I'll forgive myself. 

So now...what I need to do is really take time and reflect on who I want to be, what I want to do, and how to go about it without shorting myself and my family. 

So first things first....accomplish some work. My SO is out tonight doing practice so I can plan my time a bit better. Perhaps the first rule I should make is no tv at home when no one's home?

So...

Work

• Finish ACOS
• Start Conversions
• Start CO

Personal

• Dinner with Fam
• Laundry
• Time with Riddles (no tv)
• Clean the  kitchen/living room
• Clean the bathrooms
• Sit down and establish needs/wants/goals

Ugh, I have so much running through my mind during the day. I really need to organize my thoughts. Such as: 

• Maybe I should designate a certain credit card for gas or even get a prepaid gas card. 
• I need to plan out meals, mostly crockpot, and buy groceries at the beginning of the week
• How much time would that take? i suppose I could do it while SO is playing video games. But how could I keep this up regularly? Our weekends and even weekni...hold it. I know for a fact that he's gonna be out Mon and Wed. So perhaps those are the days I could do my crockpot prep time. Hmmmm....
• I need to plan all meals and make sure he's taking hi medication. 
• I need some diorama or board to keep my goals and dreams in focus every day. I also need this for my schedule. I need like a monitor that's linked to my schedule. lol. 
• How do i ensure that I enjoy and grow in addition to the regular routine I do?

Something has to change

I think perhaps this blog needs to change it's focus. This week has made me realize that what I'm doing may be accomplishing things, but probably not the things I should be accomplishing. 

Okay, so I got some things done at work and at home, but I'm disconnected from everything and tired. Tired and bored. I'm not happy. And neither is Ricky. 

Well happy is somewhat subjective. We're happy, but we're still missing something. Perhaps the better description is we're happier than we've been but not as happy as we could be. 

Why? well boredom, stress, knowing what we used to have. It all seems to have dissipated along with the energy the kid has sapped out of me. Actually, now I reflect, perhaps it's not the kid. Perhaps its my job. There is very little at my job that I actually enjoy and nothing I look forward to. The last time I actually enjoyed my job, I was working on making the split tests more friendly. But that was a short-lived moment. 

Now I'm sitting at work, bored and fearful. Yesterday I had a large report not unlike the one I fucked up before and thus between my boredom and my fear, I didn't give it my 100%. I got it right, just not great plus I missed something. So the big questions are...

• What would it take for me to get excited about work again? 
• What would it take for me to get excited at home?
• What's truly important in my life? Is there other ways to accomplish the things I'm worried about but that aren't as important?
• How am I limiting myself by making excuses that my baby needs me? What would I do if I didn't have to watch Riddles? 

Man, I wish I could just fix this in a matter of seconds. But it's gonna take time to figure this one out. 

Working on it

Okay chipping slowly away at stuff that needed to be done. Need to kick butt some more today...

Personal

• Do things I like to do (I swear I only do things I feel I have to do anymore, time to have more fun)
• Stick to points, drink green tea, focus on veggies and protein
• Development stuff with Riddles-man
• Fun time with Ricky
• Pay bills
• Talk to Sabrina

Work

• Check monthly (-10)
• Finish 999 (10-2)
• Finish ACOS (10-2)
• Finish auctions (2-2:30)
• Finish conversions (2:30-4:30)

Taking a different approach

Ugh! I fell asleep early again! What is wrong with me?!?!

Bry came over at around 8:30 and I promptly fell asleep on the couch. I'm drinking more green tea, eating healthier, but for the love of JC I can not stay awake past 9 pm. I guess I need to just reset some bad habits. 

Okay...so....

Personal

• Keep losing weight. Drink green tea. Eat proteins and veggies. Don't go over points. Lose over .5 lb today.
• Stay awake...past 10 pm.
• Try orajel on Riddles to see if he sleeps through the night again. 
• Work on Prague stuff
• Clean the house

Work

• Finish 9.99
• Finish ACOS
• Provide auctions
• Work on conversions (finish tomorrow)
• Work on CO (finish tomorrow)

Refocus

So, no working this weekend. I was down with a cold, and decided it would be in my best interest to somewhat rest and relax then work myself into an even sicker frenzy. SO, now I'm playing catch-up at work today. My heart really isn't in it, so i need to motivate myself. Although Riddles slept through the night, I'm still fairly tired. But I will need to wake up, get better, and get motivated. I want to do better at my job. I need to pick up the pace and start impressing myself again. 

Goals for Today

Personal

• Build a schedule that includes Riddles development, exercise, and cleaning. 
• Focus on proteins and veggies/fruits. Drink green tea. Find a way to get moving. 
• Spend time with family.

Professional

• Build 'Learn EDW' into schedule
• NET Report
• 9.99 Analysis
• XXX Renewal Rates
• CO Research
• ACOS Report

Whew!

Between the cold, the baby, the lack of sleep, and massive amounts of work, I'm still able to pull this off. Booyah!! 

Anyway, plan of attack today includes a lot. I have a Prague meeting, a vacation to schedule, cleaning house, and lots of work to work on. I can do this...

Personal

• Stay within points, drink green tea, take care of myself
• Clean house and play with Riddles when I get home
• Book NYC
• Burn Heathers dvd
• Clean outside

Business

• Accordian (DONE)
• Monthly Exec (DONE)
• ACOS (11-12)
• Auto Act Ph 4 (DONE)
• Hosting LP (DONE)
• 9.99 (moved to Monday)
• Conversions
• XXX
• CO

Goals for Today

Okay, yesterday was a little slow going...however I did lose weight, I cleaned the house, I played with Riddles, and I made 'some' headway at work. 

I guess I should probably add more than just my to do list. I'm doing fairly well. Not as scattered. A bit more accomplished. However, I have a cold today. No bueno. And I already pigged out on Starbucks. So...soup today. Maybe. Chili? Anyway, I will get some things accomplished today. I will prove everyone wrong. I will work my heiny off. And I will enjoy my family tonight. 

Onto today...

Personal:

• Stick to points 
• Drink green tea
• Finish laundry
• Play with Riddles, spend time with Ricky

Work

• Info (10-11)
• ACOS (11-12)
• Conversions (12-2)
• XXX (2-3)
• CO (3-4)

Insanely Busy Cont'd

Life is crazy insane right now, I was pretty much in tears last night over everything. 

Personal: 

• Stick to pts for the day, drink green tea
• Clean floors, clean fridge, do dishes, finish laundry
• Work on pointing and naming things with Riddles

Work

• Finish Bulk (10-11)
• Domains Accordian (10-11)
• ACOS (11-1)
• Conversions (1-3)
• XXX (3-4:30)
• Fit in auctions
• CO Research (8-10)

Another Insane Day

I'm exhausted and stressed. Need to work on that...

Personal

• Destress. Drink green tea. Stay in points. 
• Find a way to get Riddles to sleep through the night.
• Clean floors, do dishes, finish laundry, take out trash. 

Work

• Finish bulk analysis (9:30-11:30)
• Rerun express (11:30-1:30)
• Finish conversion and CO already (1:30-4:30)

Busy day

Just me and the boss (somewhat) today. So I really need to organize. Plus I gained weight this week, so back on track!

Personal:

• Track points. Don't go over. Drink green tea and water only. 
• Clean the house, especially floors and dust.
• Find a way to go to NYC. 

Work

• India (Noon - 12:30)
• Mobile (12:30 - 1:00)
• Express (1-2)
• Bulk (2-4)
• New conversions (7-10)

How did this day get so busy?

So a little planning for today and for tomorrow:

Work
- Send out tld report
- Create basket report
- Finish conv report (so important!)
- Start work on weekly info

Personal
- Stay under 28 pts for the day
- Keep drinking green tea
- Keep moving (finish laundry, clean sheets, clean floors, clean fridge - est 1.5 hours)
- Print family calendar

Focus

I have a buttload to do today because we are down from a 7 person team but now we're 3 (two out on maternity leave, one moved to another team and another decided to take time off for her accounting exam)

Nice.

Anyway, I have 7 things on my work to do, a million thing on my personal, and originally had four important things to make my day successful. So...what would make THIS day a success?

Work
- Run my split
- Finish KGs task
- Provide LM what she asked for
- Finish NN's request to get it out of the way
Personal
- Mail off the cd and shirt (15 min)
- Call GE
- Finish laundry and reorg our bedroom (1 hour)
- Clean living room, kitchen and complete dishes (30 min)
- Print family calendar
- Update Riddles' blog
- Stick to eating plan for the day

Incredibly Bored

It's one of those days where I'm just struggling to stay awake. I've already ate my points for the day and I still have a million things to do. I just need to focus. 

Things to accomplish today:
- Stay awake. No joke. 
- Make some headway with the Conv report for NN. 
- Finish driving school.
- Laundry, clean bedroom, master bathroom. 
- Do Prague stuff (business cards, bookings, promotion)

I think that should be enough. Maybe look up some stuff regarding Riddles, but I'll be good if I can just finish the above. One more day til Ricky gets paid, but we're broke this paycheck. Argh! Need to focus on ways to still enjoy our weekends and budget. So add that to the list. 

- Work on budget for happiness (Prague show, Brit's Bday, Faith visit, Debates on Oct 2)

Focus, Focus

Got a lot going on with work, Prague, and home life. 

Little man went down like a champ last night, however woke up at Midnight and 5 am. Little turd. So tonight might be a little difficult. I think lack of sleep is what's making sleep so difficult for him. Maybe I should give him a bigger blankie? 

Goals for today:

• Work 8-5
• A1 priority: Finish CO for M
• Finish NET report for S
• Get at least halfway done with Conversions
• Personal
• Make dinner before Ricky leaves 
• Spend quality time with LO, teach him one new thing and brush his teeth
• Finish laundry
• Prague
• Create and order business cards
• Put together confirmation and schedule for future shows
• Put together goal plan for Prague

When did I turn into a complaining, lazy bitch?

I admit it. I don't really like who I am at the moment. I used to be this person that was full of love, forgiveness, and mutual respect, but at some point I turned into this sarcastic, whiny little bitch that had a critism for everyone and everything. What happened?

So I need to set goals to turn things around. I already tried to start working on this, but I still need to work harder at reframing. I need to get better for myself. And I need to get better for my son. 

As a side, excellent article http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/30-things-you-should-do-right-now/

Anyway, goals for today:

• Be aware and there. I'm always focused on my own thoughts. I need to listen and reflect. 
• Be empathetic, no matter who the audience. I need to respect everyone and listen with some empathy. I may not always agree with someone, but I don't need to be disrepectful about it. Plus, it's they're own life to live. I need to focus on my own. 
• Get my splits done today. As well as my online report and my research. (Stretch goal for sure.)
• Make dinner and enjoy the night with my family. 
• Do a day review with Ricky each day. 

Interesting Day Today

I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I stayed home with the intention of working from home. Unfortunately Anon put a bit of a kabosh on that. So...

What's left for today at 2 pm:

• Afternoon though 4 pm
• Splits
• Traffic
• 4 -7: Take care of little man
• 7-8: Clean bedroom, kitchen, and living room, start laundry
• 8-9: Prague stuff (business cards, update FB, move video on YouTube)
• 9: Move laundry and sleep

Focus

Today is all about focus. I have things I need to get done and customers I need to impress and assist. 

Today I will:

• Get the split done within a reasonable amount of time.
• Take care of the other analysis for NN
• Update my CO analysis 
• All while updating my weekly reports. 
• Multi-task and quality control is the name of the game. You impressed once, you can do it again! 
• Focus on eating healthy and taking care of your family. 
• finish the Prague stuff tonight. 

Todays Goals

It's one of those days when I have so much to do that I'm glad for an excuse to put something off. NN's request will most likely not have a reporting need until tomorrow morning so I can do the code tonight. 

Aside from that:

• Be professional, quick, accurate and helpful. In other words, kick ass! 
• Find some neat stuff on the CO request. 
• Send out the couple of quick ones that are due today. 
• Start working on tomorrow's request. 
• Stay on track with WW and drinking water. Make it to 185 this week! 
• Call my grandma. I miss her. 
• Deliver the bassinet to Josh this week. 
• Pay special attention to Ricky. Focus on being a woman, not just a mom. 

Whew!

Kicking ass and taking names! 

I finished the Prague album cover last night with Ricky. I've been cleaning house, doing laundry, meeting with the girls, working finances. I know there's still a lot more I can do (like brush my kids teeth, damn it!) but I am doing well. 

Okay, so goals for today (this weekend):
- Lose two lbs by Sunday (hopefully the gain from yesterday was all water)
- Stay on track Sunday, drink lots of water
- Finish the Prague schedule in Excel
- Finish all my tickets for month end at work
- Find a hobby, maybe Prague? 
- And take care of my little man, who is sick (collective awwww)

Moody

Okay, so above all else, I really need to snap out of my sarcastic, everyone better cater to me, attitude. Yeah, I know I have it. And I need to drop it asap. Been working on this for awhile. I think I have improved, but definitely, not at work. Time to step up my game. Perhaps Gandhi is right...I need to be empathetic and see myself in others shoes. Perhaps time to pick up the book again. 

I've been sticking to WW which is good. Need to continue to do so and step up my water intake. I also need to figure out how to get involved in Prague again and clean the house. Still didn't make that schedule. Perhaps tonight, while Ricky is gone?

I've been a bit busy...

However, that is no excuse. It's time to review everything again. 

I started on WW, and that seems to keep me on track for eating, exercise, and water consumption. I wasn't feeling well this weekend however, so fell a bit short in my goals. 

Some things that I know would make me feel better are personal goals such as losing weight, keeping the house clean, and managing finances...well specifically bringing Ricky and I's credit score up. I guess that's what I need at this point, specific, measurable, and attainable goals:

1. Lose 50 lbs in 1 year. 
2. Raise both R and I's credit score. 
3. Find a method to keep the house clean without detracting from other goals.
4. Find a goal that fulfills me personally.
5. Vacation with Ricky once a quarter. 
6. Stick to deadlines at work without reducing quality.
7. Research ways to get energized and deal with demotivating environment at work. 

I think those are all reasonable. Hard to set professional goals when you don't give a damn about your job. I like most of my clients, however my manager is very difficult to work for. There's not much in the way to motivate us to get excited about our work. That's pretty much the mentaility of the whole team. I need to do some reading (added #7)

Starting Over

Well not by much. It's just been awhile. I do feel a bit overwhelmed, so I'm going to limit my daily goals today:

• Find a system to set, acheive, and track my goals including
• Eating healthy (WW?)
• Creating healthy menus and grocery lists
• Exercise
• Work
• Cleaning
• Ridley goals and acheivements
• Finances
• Provide useful information to my clients
• Names
• QSC request
• Videos

Time to kick ass

Status from yesterday:

• Finished hats and balloons for the party.
• Spent time with the family.
• Stayed within calories, but it still didn't work.

Working on Today (revisit all my goals):

• Lose 10 lbs for the month. Build a menu focusing on vegetables.
• Stay on top of requests at work. Take control of my work. I am going to be a control freak about Domains and Splits from now on. No one will know more than me about these.
• Improve communication skills. Talk to the customer and people more often.
• Limit computer use and television watching. Instead fill up this time with activities with the family, one hour of cleaning per day, and one hour of exercise. Clean house for one hour today. Build a schedule for Ricky and I to exercise.
• Be a nicer, more giving person. Do something nice for Will.

Progress, progress

Status from yesterday:

• Weellll, I went of my diet, but I think my body probably needed it. I'm back on again however. 
• Patience. Ugh, I don't know. It takes time I suppose. 
• Work - Finished what I needed to get finished. 

 Guess I'm in no mood to really go over yesterday, although we did get the bean done and floors scrubbed. Still have quite a bit left to do though.

Working on Today:

• Add workouts to the schedule. I really need to work off some steam.
• Work on eating more vegetables and fruits. 
• Finish my com project as well as take care of my splits. 
• Get comfortable with house layout. Start setting up for the party.
• Take care of Ricky.

Back to Work

Status from this weekend:

• Did really well with water and diet until yesterday apparently. Going to try to completely avoid snacking and stick to cereal and my pb crackers and see if that helps. Perhaps it was my thoughts of Chipotle that threw me over the edge.
• Patience - Ugh! Was completely irritated this weekend by Will. Not sure why. May have been the disgusting bathroom, the overflowing trash, or the attitude that says everything and everyone sucks. Vented to Ricky this morning. I really need to figure out what to do.
• Work - Managed to accomplish some things. Didn't do too badly.

Working on Today

• Diet - Sticking to cereal, pb cracker snack, and almonds. See if that sets it back down.
• Work - Focus on professionalism and take care of my split customers and researching the com project.
• Home - Try to figure out why Will is bothering me so much and be proactive about fixing it.

Goals seem to be working

It worked last time and it seems to be working this time too. I amy not be accomplishing everything but I'm making strides.

Status from yesterday:

• I did lose .4 lbs, so that's good. I increased my water intake and it seemed to have worked (even with a Thai food dinner)
• I did complete two of the three items on my work list from yesterday, so not too bad.
• Patience, I still need to work on. Will has still been driving me nuts and I don't know why. It's like a complete trigger. He's been aggravating about just denying or being negative about everything lately. I just need to get over it. He is who he is and I need to accept it!
• I have been getting uncomfortable. Leaving the windows open in the car rather than a/c. Wearing different shoes, drinking water.

Working on Today:

• Continue to eat cereal and milk. Drink lots of water. Stay away from snacks.
• Work on my patience and acceptance of Will. Start asking him to help more.
• Work on not letting things get to me.
• For work:
• Take care of S for month end
• Take care of E for Free Info
• Take care of M for upgrades
• Take care of J for cloud
• Take care of E for YoH
• Continue to be uncomfortable by using the computer less when at home. Clean for at least an hour.

Insanity Today

Status from yesterday:

• I lost .2 lbs so still going down, just not as fast as I'd hoped.
• I got one thing done yesterday. Need to fix that today.
• I did have fun with Brit, however I did not get laundry done and Ricky made his own dinner.
• Still working on that patience thing. W was driving me nutso this morning.

Working on Today:

• Drinking more water and less snacking. Figure out calories before going out with G'Ma and Josh.
• Tasks at Work that NEED to be done today:
• Free INFO update for A
• Updating the EOM for J
• Doing split update for A
• Work on that patience thing
• Get uncomfortable! I've been lax and I believe that doing this will help!

Focus! Focus! Focus!

Status from yesterday:

- Well I ended up working until midnight and watching movies all day, so much for avoiding technology. Going to refocus today.
- Lost 1.2 lbs! So I'd say staying within calories (was so tempted by pizza) and drinking water worked!
- Stay on top of requests at work: well, I could probably do better. I need to do an update to free info today, a split and a follow up to a question. If I stay focused, I can do this!
- Be a nicer, more giving person. I tried so hard, but ended up blowing up at night. Just another reminder that change doesn't happen overnight. I really need to just relax. Part of my issue with this is my frustration with R's brother. I just feel like he's so negative all the time and takes advantage of the situation. However, perhaps it's time for me to step back and try to understand why he's been acting this way and also realize my impatience probably has somewhat to do with my frustration with myself when I act this way.

Goals for today:

• Stay in calories (with cereal and milk) and drink water the rest of the day (after Diet Coke this morning)
• Work on professionalism at work
• Start focusing on the customer and their needs.
• Take care of B and his premium domains
• Take care of B and E and the free info
• Take care of M and his split
• Take care of J and his split
• Work on my relationships by spending time with Brit tonight. And focusing on my man and his health.
• Make dinner and start laundry before I leave.
• Be more patient, loving, and forgiving.

Distractions

I spend way too much time on computers, email, Facebook/Pinterest. These provide distraction from life. Not that life is bad, but not sure why I've gotten into this dependency on updates. I read an article that said they're like drugs. You're constantly seeking approval from people by watching for updates and comments to your postings. Ugh!

So....overall for the month of August...I have the following goals (let's keep it simple Amy.)

- Lose 10 lbs for the month. (I want this so bad I can taste it. Perhaps that's my issue.)
- Stay on top of requests at work.
- Improve communication skills.
- Limit computer use and television watching. Instead fill up this time with activities with the family, one hour of cleaning per day, and one hour of exercise.
- Be a nicer, more giving person.

Too much? Well I'll try focusing on certain ones during the day.

Today...
- I will drink only one drink of Diet Coke and 4 bottles of water.
- I will eat only 1000 calories of food and no more.
- I will finish my COM/CO request stellarly.
- I will not be distracted by my computer. I will focus on people, not technology.

Baby Steps?

Not sure I know how to do that anymore. I don't know if I attempt to overplan or underplan anymore. My life schedule is always changing between kids, friends, and family. And there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day. But perhaps that's just my perception. I think maybe logging might help me.

Goal for the week: Log time spent.

Focus

Since finding out I was Vitamin D deficient, and taking a pill to help it, I have been able to focus better. I'm still easily tired, but it's not as hard to focus as it used to be. 

So now, I can appropriately react and handle my work, my life, everything. 

Time to revisit my goals and how I'm going to accomplish them. I'll tackle that tonight hopefully. 

Back on track again. Whew!

Honesty

Can you tell I'm struggling to keep it altogether? I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations and tasks to do. I know I'm doing better, but I'm still so far away from what I used to be. I know this is a combination of lack of support and lack of conviction, but I'm still exhausted. I fear I may have some physically issues as well and this weighs me down even more. I'm raging...

Goals Revisited

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Goals

1. Professional
   1. I am a sucessful career woman which people depend on for creative, intuitive, and clear analysis. My reporting focuses on areas that allow management to easily identify issues and successes.
      1. Communication
      2. Creativity
      3. Accuracy
      4. Teamwork
      5. Focus
2. Personal
   1. I am a sexy, healthy, intelligent woman who cares about her family and friends and values healthy relationships above everything else. I take time to take care of myself and my family.
      1. Relationships
         1. I am invested in my relationships by listening and getting involved in my friends and family's lives. Everyone is important to me and I am there to support and love them.
      2. Health
         1. I cook and prepare my family's meals which are low-fat, fresh, and delicious.
         2. I exercise on a regular basis.
         3. I take time for me at least once a week to destress and relax.
      3. Finances
         1. I revisit and stick to my financial plan bi-weekly.
         2. We have savings
      4. Intelligence
         1. I read most days and invove myself in activities that challenge me phycially and mentally.

Time for some new goals...

I'm actually feeling better. Getting more sleep. Starting to gain some headway at work, although, I still need to slow down and take it all in. So, it's time for some new goal setting and maintaining...

In order of importance...

1. My relationships
1. I will look at people when I talk to them and focus on what they are saying. I will empathize and respect their feelings. I will have fun with them. 
2. I will visit my family and friends more often. I value my time with everyone equally. 
2. My health
1.  I will focus on developing a healthy diet for my family. This can only be accomplished by making food from home (breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)
2. I will be more active at home and out. I will involve my family whenever I can.
3. I will drink more water.
3. My career 
1.  I will improve my existing process to (a) make it easy for anyone to run and (b) to validate it is correct data. 
2. I will learn the data inside and out, becoming a master at pulling correct data efficiently. 
3. I will learn new methods for analyzing and reporting data.
4. My finances
1. I will no longer be a slave to my money. I will budget and save our money so that we are not living paycheck to paycheck, but still afford to go out and have fun. 
2. I will keep track of finances daily to ensure we are not overspending. 

A year in review...

Or at least some time back...some of the financial messes we've had to clean up and actually did...

DOC Band $2.8k
Hospital Bills $500
Target Bill $700
Moving $2k
Car Engine $4k
New Dryer $125
TOTAL $10k

Lord knows there will be more, but honestly, we took car of all this between Dec 2011 and Mar 2012. Insane!

Next feat is to pay off the rest of the bills, tackle one last big debt, and get on a steady schedule for the rest of the finances. Whew!

Focusing

Taking a break from OCDing over goals and ToDo lists to focus on work. 

After I get a grasp on it, I'll be back. 

So tired...

Seriously need to stop mixing my blogs...

And who in the heck is reading this? :-) I checked my stats and I saw a lot of hits. Odd. Well whatever floats your boat lol. If your going to read it, I'll give you a better update. 

As a...ugh...36 year old mother of one. I'm in a very stressful yet extremely happy part of my life. I have a significant other who loves me and respects me and treats me as a desirable person. However, due to our current financial situation is very stressed out because he has to watch our child and work at the same time. Which I am horribly grateful for. 

I'm struggling, as most people do, to find a balance between mom, girlfriend, and individual. I feel like individuality right now is at the sacrifice of my own boyfriends free-time. Both of us feel guilty whenever another goes out. 

I feel I can improve at my job, but lack the motivation at all. I went from being the best in my company to being the floundering newbie. And I'm not sure if it's because of the culture or my ineptitude. It's definately been an interesting experience though and I have learned a "few" things. 

I'm struggling with my weight. I've lost a few lbs, but still haven't really restricted myself and taken the dive. I know friends that are doing fantastically and it's all because they put their whole heart into it. 

I guess thats what I struggle with most. I don't put my whole heart into anything lately. I just half-ass it. But I don't have the time to whole-heartedly do everything. So I really need to reprioritize. 

Whew! Well I guess next I will attempt to reprioritize and set my schedule. I really need to finish 7 Habits. Bleh.

Really? 7 Days??

Okay, time to focus up. Choose one or two and prioritize:

My main concern is my professionalism at work and my family's health right now. Okay, and money. Ugh!

So...

Family health: I will be proactive and prepare healthy meals. If I won't be home, it's time to crockpot.

Money: Start sticking to the daily budget. No exceptions.

Work: Start looking at your requests through your requestors eyes. Give them what they want + 20% more.

Catchup

Okay, it's been awhile. So much has happened. We've moved, fixed the car, taken care of some finances, lost poor Pookie. Stress is boundless right now. So I believe I need to add some "me" time or stress relieving habits to my list. Time to revisit again:

• Love and respect for all people: Been getting somewhat better at this. Been more patient and forgiving with Will. I notice I still need to listen more and really get involved in those around me. The stress has taken away all my energy and focus, but I think it's time to get involved again. Action: Look at the person who is talking to you and reiterate what they said slightly varied. Get excited for them.
  
• Patient and appreciate life: Goodness, patience is a big one for me lately! I am so impatient with everyone and everything. I'm not sure why when what am I rushing for? I need to just relax and enjoy. Even home has been a flurry of clean, clean, clean. Action: Redo schedule to focus on relaxing and enjoying and less cleaning.
• I am healthy and my family is healthy: I've been cooking at home more often and eating better. However, I really need to focus on making a menu and sticking with it. Action: Make a menu with breakfast, lunch, and dinner on Saturday, and make sure every meal has a vegetable and fruit. Focus on diabetic friendly meals.
  
• I am passionate and enjoy life: I think I've been getting better at this too. Not making excuses to stay at home. Been going out with friends more often. I think we'll take more of a direct approach for this one. Action: Take pictures of everything!
• I am professional and creative at work: Another difficult one. I'm finding it hard to get really excited about work. I'm in this fog and getting very close to talking to a therapist or doctor about it. Need to focus again and stay sharp and enjoy work. How do I do this? Action: Develop mission and goals for work. Get focused. Review 7 Habits.
  
• I am proactive in dealing with conflict: Need to refocus on this again. I was doing so well and then finances went in the crapper. Action: Schedule time to call debt collectors. Avoid email and voice mail for communication.
  
• I have my finances under control: Weelll, budgeting has gotten better. Spending has not. However, in the past three months we have spent $2500 on a DOC Band, $3800 on a new engine, $900 (minus 400 from Will) on a rental car, XMas spending, ~$400 on moving expenses, $130 on a dryer....so yeah. I supposed I can give us a little leeway on that one. Action: Stick to budget.
  

And most importantly...review this every day. That really is the most important step.