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Bluebert Saturday

Me today

Beached Whale

What a weekend!!!

Saturday was my co-workers party!! We had a lot of fun. Our 'Girls Gone Wild' costumes won 'Cheapest (but still great)' award. Everyone loved it!!
Hubby and Bluebert got drunk off their asses! I mean literally. On our way to the car, Bluebert fell down and twisted her ankle and biffed her knee. I felt so bad for her because she was in pain even when i took her home the next day.

Hubby got along great with my friends at work (which is very important to me.) I even have to give him props, because he didn't get angry when all the men kept coming up and going, "So what is your costume? I forgot" with big grins on their faces. Even the host came up and flipped up my shirt and said, "That's f-in great man!!" Hubby just laughed it off. I think he really dug that the guys thought he was the coolest coming in with three "Girls Gone Wild"!

We went home kind of early. About 12:30 at night and hubby and Bluebert were so funny. At least until I tried to get to sleep. Hubby kept on talking all night long and pawing me. I kept on saying, "Go to sleep." but he kept on talking about the party. He said a few things about people that I was unsure about.

For instance, he was talking to one girl, when another came up and said, "Don't you know who that is? That's Onyx's husband." and then they both walked away. WTF?! What the hell did I do? I hate f-in office politics. So apparently I'm branded from something I didn't even do. And therefore hubby is branded by association. But before falling asleep, I thought, "Well that was kind of catty and what should I care what they think because I don't prefer to associate with small-minded people anyway." Screw 'em.

Today I feel like crap. Not because of the party. I got my monthly visitor and I feel so freakin bloated. Bleh!!! The only thing I could wear today to match my cat outfit is a little tight. (I weighed myself this a.m. Big mistake because of my visitor. Ugh!!!!)

Oh well. Hopefully I'll feel better later today. Anyway, I'm signing off. I can't wait until today is over.
BTW, hubby's first day at his new job is today. I'll give you the down low on it later. For right now, I gotta try to not feel like a beached whale.

Whew!!

Had a good time last night. Greatly exhausted today. Will post tomorrow.

I feel like CRAP!!!

Okay, not that bad, but pretty close.

So I jump on the scale at home and it says I haven't pretty much lost anything since I started dieting. This sucks!!!! I guess I'll see what it says Saturday at WW, but still. :-p

On top of that, I feel tired all the freakin time, my lower back hurts in the a.m.

I do feel a little bit better, not so bloated. But my stomach is just pooching out big time.

I'm not giving up though. I'm going to restrict those calories, start drinking more water, and exercising. Hopefully that'll push my body into gear. Stupid body!!!

On a lighter note, we're supposed to go to the Beck concert tonight. That should be fun!!

Okay, back to the pity party!!! Bleh!!! I just want to lose this weight. This is soooo aggravating. But I'll keep keepin on, because if I just continue what I've always done, I'll just keep gettin' what I was gettin'. I know I could have put that a bit more eloquently, but screw it!!

Busy Weekend

I don't know when I'll get to update next. This weekend I have a BUNCH of plans.

First Friday morning breakfast with an old friend of mine. She's totally off da hook. I met her at Devry. Some of you may remember me talking about Lana before. She's awesome!!! I always look forward to knoshing with her.

Then Friday night, we're going to the Beck concert at the State Fair with Bluebert. Should be incredibly kick @ss!!!!!! I love Beck! He ranks right up there with the Beatles. And The Beatles are Numero Uno in my book!!

Then Saturday morning is Weight Watchers. Hopefully less of me attends (old joke, I know, but I love it!!). Then Saturday afternoon is costume shopping. Hippo - you'll love this. We're going as

GIRLS GONE WILD!!!!!!

We're going to get some nude leotards and put a sticker over our breasts saying "Girls Gone Wild" like those blackout boxes. Then wear a college shirt over it so we can flash everyone when they ask us what our costume is. (We're soooo bad, but we'll have fun doing it!!!) Hubby is going as GGW staff.

Well I gotta go home.

Great Expectations

I keep expecting something great to happen to me.

Am I just not appreciating what I have? Or perhaps I'm just waiting for something to happen and not acting upon my desires to make these great things happen??

Sometimes I get frustrated because I don't think some very basic things are going to happen. Like hubby and I having a baby. I feel like I am just barren down there.

I wonder if this has anything to do with me turning 30 next month? It's not that big of a deal. I know it isn't. But there so many things I wanted to do with my life. I saw myself a slim, career-oriented woman by now.

Maybe part of it was watching Fever Pitch the other day. Granted it was supposed to be a romantic comedy. But it had Drew Barrymore portraying a character that was just turning 30, was in great condition, and doing great in her career.

I know. I need to kick myself in the ass. I can't be thinking these things. Moping around isn't going to help me any. This is stupid. I'm going back to work.

So Freakin Angry Lately

Especially in the morning. I have never been a morning person, but MAN am I angry in the a.m. Just about bit hubby's head off this morning for asking me to pick up breakfast.

Then a couple of bad drivers cut me off and near create an accident. I just felt like ripping them out of their cars, holding up bythe collars and screaming, "Would it fucking hurt to wait a whole 5 seconds for me to get through safely? Fucker!!!!"

People just annoy the crap out of me. They're so rude and idiotic.

On a lighter note, one of my favorite cartoonists has been emailing me. Mr Pearls Before Swine. It's a great comic. Check it out at http://comiczone.com/comics/pearls/index.html



You won't regret it. ;-)

Weekend Update

Slow weekend, huh?

Anyway, my weekend was good. Started off with dinner and a movie late Friday night with friend BlueBert and hubby. We ate at The Spaghetti Company. Then rented Kicking and Screaming. It was pretty funny.

Early Saturday morning, I got up and went to Weight Watchers. As I strolled up to the counter, the lady asked me, "Is this your first time at Weight Watchers?" I jokingly replied, "Well my first for the thirteenth time." She just chuckled and gave me my form to fill out. When they weighed me I had actually lost a few pounds since last week. I felt kind of cheated that I couldn't mark those couple of pounds down as lost.

I kind of pigged out for the weekend as we had a BBQ later that afternoon. But I'm still under my limit for the week. I was running around all day in preperation for it. Right after WW, I went to Costco and bought up a whole bunch of food. Then hubby and I went out for breakfast. Then we came back and hubby washed the three mangy mutts (and stinky, whoo, boy!!), while I cleaned the house.

Then about that time we had to get ready for the BBQ. It was nice although we only had two people show up.
Bluebert and another friend. Hubby ended up crashing out about 9:30 p.m.

Sunday we just lazed about. I was so freakin tired and grumpy. We both were from trying to quit smoking. We're like an A-bomb when we're together and trying to quit smoking. I really need to watch my attitude.
Anyway, that was my weekend. Hopefully I'll be a bit lighter come next weekend.

I already feel better. Not so bloated. I think my clothes even fit a little bit better. Here's to a svelte and sexy me come New Years!!!

Song of the Day

The good times are killin' me - Modest Mouse

Man, this song has applied sooooo many times in my life.

What I want to be when I grow up...

I think I've finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.

I want to be that eccentric inventor/creative programmer/whatever I want. I will have the freedom to be weird because I'm awesome at what I do. I don't need to make excuses because I'm really smart and save the company from tons of disasters.

Yeah, I want to be the Albert Einstein of programmers/analysts at work. And I think I'm halfway there.

But I definately do not want to be a manager. Blech!!!

Do Something Everyday That Scares You

That's what one of my blogging friends wrote...Don. For me, I believe that would be stepping on the scale. Ah, ha, ha, ha.

No, seriously. So I had a conversation with hubby. I did finances last night. All things considered, we're not doing badly. However, we would have to make major scarifices if we were able to get that big house we want.

For example...

No kids
No updating of said house
No food
No gas
No 'accidents'
No flat panel television

That's when he said it wasn't feasible. No, I'm just joking. But seriously, he did admit that perhaps we should look elsewhere. There are still a lot of nice homes we could afford. But we really had our heart set on that one.

So we'll see. Dad's going to talk to the owners around January to see what price they're looking for. Hopefully it'll be lower than what we expect because so much work is needed to be done and they wouldn't have to worry about fixing it up for potential buyers.

Cross your fingers. In the meantime, I'm going to try to majorly pay off some of our debts. We were a little lenient with those because of all of hubby's expenses during school. Now it's payback time.

By the way. Hubby got a new job. I'll tell you more about it once he's verified he accepted it and gave notice at his old one. Murphy's law you know. (Plus you never know who's reading these things.)

Hasta la pasta, babies!!

Risk Taking

What the fuck happened to me? I used to be all gung ho and optimistic. At one point I just became afraid. Afraid I might lose it all. Afraid I wouldn't come out ahead. So I froze.

It seems the only time I'll do things now are when it's a given. I'm an idiot. I need to Just Do It!!!!

I refelecting on why people have what they do and why people don't have what...um...they do...don't....do...whatever, you know what I mean.

Hubby and I were thinking about renting out our house and taking on another very large house. I was scared shitless to do this. But the investment/payoff would be great. So why don't I???

For heaven's sake, it wouldn't be the end of the world if we were unable to pay for the rental. We could make things work out. We could figure it out. What happened to me? Why don't I want to take risks? New opportunites??

Well I'm sick and tired of being scared and timid. No more!!! I'm going to pursue my dreams. Make it happen!!

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By the way, it wasn't planes overhead, it was helicopters. Helicopters flying by the main freeway next to our house. Duh!!

Hurricane Survival Kit

Hurricane Rita was not funny, but if you prepare properly you can get through these storms with what is important. It's all about priorities.

Hurricane Survival Kit
Toilet Paper................................................................check
Bud Light....................................................................check
Keystone Ice...............................................................check
Budweiser...................................................................check
Red Dog.......................................................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol.......................................check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on....check

Next time let's all be more prepared.

Something Very Personal

You know, in that "Man she's psycho" kind of way?

I firmly believe I'm a new part of the creative class. Don't freak this isn't the weird part. The creative class is not a cult, or a new rock group. It's a term used to describe the new generation of professionals whose work is primarily creative. In addition to being creative, our priorities are different as well. Such as flexibility with my work schedule, recognition, and being free to almost do my own thing are sometimes more important to me than the actual pay.

Anyway, I guess that was more info than needed to simply explain that I'm a creative person, and therefore have an extremely wild imagination. It's my bane sometimes. Unless I'm talking, I'm imagining.

I imagine all the freakin time. Constantly. "Why, what do you mean Onyx?"

Um, I'll be at work, walking down the hall, imagining some old friend of hubby has decided he's angry, bursts through door at work, and takes everyone hostage. Me, being the smart and quick person that I am, quickly stashes my cell phone, but not before dialing 911 and leaving it on for the cops to hear everything going on. Then I tell the fag that he should still be in jail and I hope he got beautifully, anally raped while he was in the clink. I believe my choicest words are, "So they let you out, huh, fucker? Yeah, you could kill me but you'll still end up in jail getting butt fucked by an extremely large and angry black man."

Yeah...psycho.

I've always been like this. For as long as I can remember. I keep on meaning to write a book or maybe even short stories, but I don't have the patience.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be an actress or a singer. But mostly an actress. Most agree I can read well. I just have never tried to officially act on stage. Now that I'm adult, it's not as easy to just walk over to the drama dept and say, "I'm in. Give me whatever you got."

So someday I'd like to get involved in a theatre troop. I'm much to young to give up on my dreams.

Song of the day: Over My Head - The Fray

Random Thoughts

Chicken in a can is actually quite good for certain things. Like chicken salad sandwiches. Very tender although a little salty. I can get it on sale at Costco. Costco is the greatest!!!! You can get all kinds of good food there inexpensively if you have the money to spend a little extra for bulk.

I am a little tired today, although I was able to fit in 20 minutes of step aerobics yesterday. (Yay me!!) However, last night I woke up with a cold nose at the bottom of my foot. It kept on nudging, so I woke up and wondered, "What the heck? Does the dog need to go outside?" Then I looked out the window. It was completely dark, then a flash of lightening.

Lightening without thunder or rain is very weird. So very surreal. And if you don't know by now, I totally dig the surreal. So I kept looking outside, waiting for thunder or rain. The dogs kept on pacing back and forth, and another flash appeared. Then a small bit of thunder, then a rain pour.

Our house must be situated directly underneath a flight plath because usually late at night you hear a plane fly over very close by. It doesn't sound like a jet, but still fairly large. At times like these I always wonder, "If there was a terrorist attack, how would I know?" But then the plane continues on it's path, and I lie back down, pondering the media and it's role on our fears.

Nothing has ever happened in my life, or ever really in society in general, to make me fear odd things such as aliens or terrorist attacks. Granted we had Pearl Harbor and 9/11, but these are rare occurances. Nothing repeated that would make a person fear for their life every time a plane goes by or lightening strikes. But like most, I watch all the sci-fi movies and shows about aliens, creatures, and other wordly things. We all wonder about them and fear them. I guess this is ingrained somewhat because even before movies, cultures believed in these things. The witch hunts in Salem, the gods in Mayan and Egyptian cultures. So I guess it isn't all that unusual.

Why do we crave the exciting, but hope for the mundane? I mean, if something really did happen, like an earthquake, I doubt I would find it alluring in the least. But a part of me craves the adrenalin rush. Something exciting. Something different. But should that ever happen to me, wouldn't I be afraid and bitching constantly about how I want it to end or to never have happened?

Damn media.

----

Oh before I forget. Hubby and I were driving to work today. On our way, we looked over at a women parked in a parking lot on the side of the road. Before we knew it, she leaned over and puked in full view out the side of her car. Ugh!!! Of course, hubby had to lturn over right afterwards and ask: "So, what would you like for breakfast?"

Damn sarcastic humor.

My Husband Has Artism

For my artistic hubby and Bluebert who are font/type fanatics:

Another thing!!!

So I told the guys I would make homemade chicken quesadillas yesterday (for those of you who don't know quesadillas are simply two tortillas with cheese in the middle. Think covered cheese crisp, or grilled cheese sandwich but with tortillas.)

So I have to run to the store because we don't have any cheese or chili peppers for the quesadillas (which literally mean cheese (queso) something or other.)

We get to the store and the first thing I get is salsa (at least $3 a bottle, well for the kind I like). Chili peppers? $1 a can I believe (not too bad). Then I head over to the meat section.

Now we have chichken breast at home. But it's frozen, therefore there would be the added time of defrosting and frying and I knew the guys were starving. I had canned chicken breast at home, which is good, but I thought maybe the guys would prefer fresh. I figured if I got fresh, then at least I wouldn't have to defrost.

I couldn't find a package under $8.50!!!!! (What is that, like um 13 pounds european?) How do families do it??? That much for simple chicken is highway robbery!!!! The cheese? $6 for a bag of shredded cheese. For Cheese!!!!!

$6 for trash bags. Added up we spent about $50 (75 pounds?) just for chicken quesadillas and cleaning supplies. WTF?!?!

How do families do it? Most likely unhealthy foods that are cheap and have coupons. And they wonder why our kids are getting fatter? It's way too expensive to eat healthy.

I mean if you only have $50 for the next two weeks to feed a 4 child family, would you get the $8 1.5 pound package of chicken? Or the 24 for a $1 top ramen??

Idiot politicians!!

I Remember Now!...

I remember one of the things I was going to post now.

So our latest roommate was having difficulties scraping together rent. i have no idea why. He works, it was a low rent. Whateva...

So at one point he suggested to hubby working off rent by doing yardwork. Now I don't mind doing yardwork, well at least some of it. I can mow and trim with the best of them. But I absolutely hate raking. Plus staying on top of the yard is my bane because I have so many other things that need to be done with the house, including getting the yard looking nice for when we sell/possibly rent it.

So we made an arrangement. He takes care of the yards and we waive rent. He started last night. He raked the entire back yard and Oh..My...Gawd!!! It looks so much better. Plus I had the time to do other things such as:

- laundry
- pick up around the house
- do dishes
- clean the bathroom
- clean the cat litter
- have GREAT sex with hubby
- make dinner
- do grocery/other shopping
- switch out air filter
- make oatmeal/nuts/chocolate chip cookies

Now to get work on other stuff. It really does take a lot of weight off my shoulders though. I feel so much more free to do other stuff around the house. It helps so much, that I may check into how much it is to get someone in to do the yard regularly. Although if we get the house we want (fingers crossed) then the yard work won't be so much. We'll see.

Which is another thing that we talked about this weekend. Apparently we don't necessarily need to sell the house to get our next one. We can take out a loan for the equity, use that for a down on the next house, and rent out the current one. So we would have additional property and not worry about selling this house. Sounds pretty good, huh? Thanks Hippo for introducing us to this house. It has worked wonders!!!

Well back to work. Ugh!

Mind Went Blank

I can think of tons of instances this weekend in which I said to myself, "This is blogger worthy," but now I can't remember the subjects. Hmmmm...

Hubby, BlueBert and I had another nice weekend. We held her hostage for over 10 hours, I believe. We picked her up around 1 or 2 p.m. and took her back home around 1 or 2 a.m.

We went to go see a movie, (what did we see?), oh yeah Wedding Crashers. Funny? Yes. More hilarious than 40 year old virgin? No. More hilarious than Harold and Kumar? No freakin way.

Although anytime I can see Owen Wilson being his sexy self is always a good night for me. And man! is Vince Vaughn big!!! He reminds me of the Jolly Green Giant!! If he was my boyfriend, that's what I'd call him. Jolly.

Anyway, aftwerwards we went and pigged out at NYPD pizza. Yum. So I feel like a big, fat bloated b*tch now. Bleh!!! I really need to lose weight. My co-workers certainly aren't helping. My hubby is not helping. Ugh!!!! I do not have one good influence right now as far as eating habits. So I think I'm actually going to go back to WW. I seriously need some good influences.

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Ahhh, I love Launchcast. It just started playing "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton. La, da, dee, dee, da...

Two Most Hilarious Things Read Today

#1. from http://vivalasvegass.blogspot.com/

The first thing I noticed, other than the disturbing scent of
rancid bean dip, was a lone piece of graffiti directly in front of me. It read
"Kill Whitey".

Needless to say, I found this a little unsettling, being as
I'm whitey.

#2. Mobile text message from my friend while at the doctor's office:

Uh oh. She said how do i hear. Have 2 get real dr.

(insert rolling laughing yahoo emoticon here)

So Much for the Anti-Sexual-Harassment Training

So I put in a request the other day. Apparently the programmer got it. I was going to post up the image of my request but it was too big. So let me describe,

My request?

"I need your assistance... "


What he saw?

"I need your ass"


Thank you, truncation.

How in the heck???

I'm a Big Meanie

I really need to stop talking shit about other people.

It's not that I tell lies about them. I refuse to make things up. However, even though they mess up, they're still human.

My conscious got to me the other day. I was talking to my boss and teammate about another person they just brought in. This person was supposed to help me with reports, but they seem to want to do their own thing. They grab a report with out asking anyone for assistance on how to generate it or if the data is right and they've only been here for about a month.

So I've been talking shit about them to my boss and teammate. You know the deal, "WTF? Why doesn't she listen?" You know the speech, it's borderline valley girl. "Why doesn't she ask someone to check her report? She should be letting her boss know about all those requests."

(Okay there's also a side to me that wonders what people bitch about me. Is it my over the top humor? My incessant need to be right? Do I have an ego problem??)

So I was seeing my boss off yesterday and walked past said person. They didn't even wave or nothing and I was right in front of them. Of course, it could have been that I should have waved first. Maybe they were deep in thought?

Anyway, I was visualizing (imagining) them with a hurt look in their eyes over hearing what I had said. (I always assume the worst.) Granted I think what I said was true, but I could have been a little more respectful about it. A little more mature.

I always have this problem in the workplace. My team always seems to mock those who don't get it. Well not so much those who don't get it, but refuse to be taught how to get it. You know those people? The person who admittantly says, "I can do it. I'll do it." or does it without telling you. Then you find out the report went to a higher up and maybe 5 people got laid off because of the report. Then you find out the report was incorrect because they have no freakin clue what they're doing and didn't ask anyone help them to check their facts.

Ugh!!!!

Anyway, I need to be nicer. I'm such a meanie. (But they really are a pain.)

BTW, 5 points if you can tell me what that picture is at the top of my entry and what it's from.

Random Musings

So I walked into work this morning and had a sense of not deja vu, but rather, "Didn't I just leave this place?" Dontcha just hate that??

Interesting responses to my last post and I thank everyone for sharing. I think it rather ironic that the people who have the most to gain by death (christians) seem to be the ones who fear it the most.

I've had this discussion with many a person. Why is it in our culture, we fear the inevitable? Makes no sense, doesn't it? If it's going to happen anyway, what does worrying about it provide?

It seems rather hypocritical when I go to a funeral and everyone there is bawling their eyes out and saying what a shame it is that that person died. These are my friends and family. God fearing chritians. Ummm, people who believe in a fabulous afterlife? I don't know about you, but shouldn't we be mourning that WE didn't pass away??

"Oh shit, man, did you hear about Uncle Bernie? Lucky bastard is now in heaven, no pains, no hunger, no thirst. Lots of lovin. Me? Yeah, I'm still here, bummer, huh?"

I mean shouldn't this be how our conversations go?? The ones who passed on and we believe are in heaven are the lucky bastards. Which leads me to another question...

A lot of people think that when we go to heaven, our questions, all questions, will be answered. However, if we're in heaven and know nothing but joy, then we wouldn't be able to feel frustration at not knowing the answers, therefore we would not care about those answers. Get me?

Anyway, no worrying about something I can't control. When it's my time, it's my time.

(sigh) Back to work. I'm just not in the mood today. Beautiful weather always does this to me. October rolls around and I just DO NOT feel like working. Good thing it's not a busy week this week. But my boss and my cube mate are going to be out Friday. That's REALLY going to suck. I think that'll be a late start/early finish day. Bleh!

Death

I have this odd fear of death lately. I'll sit up late at night staring at the ceiling thanking God for another day on earth and asking for one more. I think about what happens to me after I die. As a Christian I do believe in the afterlife, but still wonder if that's the truth. Then in the same breath apologize to God for thinking those blasphemous thoughts.

I'm not sure why I have this sudden fear. Or obsession. It doesn't stay with me all day. Just all of a sudden hits me. In the daytime I fear for hubby's demise. I don't know what I would do if he was gone. I'd just be a shell of the former person I used to be. Depression would overcome me. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes.

My own death becomes my fear late at night. With all the lights off and just the glow of the hallway light creating a thin stripe of white against the ceiling, I wonder, do I just stop existing? Of all the myriad of possibilities, you would think this is one of the two that would be preferred. But it scares me. What if the time I have here is it? The only chance I'll be able to exist?

I look over at my husband and wonder what life would be like for him if I just suddenly passed away? I'm sure he'd be devastated. Would he ever get over it? I hope so.

It's rather an odd thing to fear considering I have been pretty blessed in this arena of my life. Only two relatives have passed away. My grandfather on my mother's side and my grandfather on my dad's side. My father's mother calls me from time to time. I wonder if she thinks about her clock. Wonder if she feels it ticking. Wonder what she thinks about it all.

After awhile though I start to think that my fear is ridiculous. I fear death, therefore my life is miserable because I'm so obsessed with death. Doesn't make any sense. So eventually I fall asleep and usually I say a small prayer before I do:

"God, please at least allow me time to have children and watch them grow up before I die."

When you fear death, if you fear death, what is the foremost thought on your mind?

For the record... (updated)

Weezer kicks ass!!!!!

And I love my MP3 player!!! I've had it for quite some time, but I was in the mood for Weezer so I brought it out. They're one of the few bands that makes me want to run off and be a bass guitarist for a Weezer cover band.

Addendum:

Some great songs by the Weeze is:

Perfect Situation - Make Believe
Island In The Sun - 2001 Weezer
In The Garage - Weezer (Blue Album)
Fall Together - Maladroit
Tired of Sex - Pinkerton
The Good Life - Pinkerton (This is the one I was listening to when I wrote the entry and now I'm listening to it again. Life is good)

Well known songs are Buddy Holly and Sweater and We Are All On Drugs and the latest Beverly Hills.

Don'tcha Just hate Serious Blogs???

Is dontcha hyphenated?? Hmmmmm....

Two things we did this weekend that are blog entry worthy.

#1. Saw 'Serenity'. Don't bother. Any Dungeons and Dragons master will tell you it's "Schuper cool!", but lemme tell you right now, it's just shy of being a really great movie. It made a left onto cheesmo avenue and is headng directly towards the center of 'doesn't quite cut it'. The plot? Good. The effects? Not bad. The acting? Oh...My...God...the actors were horrible. Apparently when they went to acting school, there was a misprint in the Acting 101 handbook dedicated to 'delivery.' The delivery was soooo bad that a US postal worker could have done better. (Bada bing!) Anyways, if you want to waste your hard earned money, go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you. Better to wait until PPV or rental.

(Sidenote: In looking for a pic to acurately depict the movie, I found an explanation of why this movie's acting sooo sucks. "From the creators of 'Buffy and Angel'" Ohhhhhhh. (slaps forehead) It totally makes sense now!!!!)

#2. Went to the Phoenix Zoo with hubby and friend, Bluebert, yesterday. It was soooo much fun. Why do we even bother going to movies?? Bluebert, hubby, and I kept on singing the 'Lions in Kenya' song (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kenya.php). I still can't get it out of my head.

Then when we did actually see the tiger, hubby started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm a poor defenseless human with a broken leg. Someone come help me!" But the tiger didn't seem to care. Apparently it had just been fed a gallon of Pounce and therefore didn't require human consumption.

I kept on running around to all the cat exhibits and calling out, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. That's a good wittle fwitten!!" and hubby kept on laughing at me saying that "fwitten" would swipe my head off in a heartbeat.

I did get the otter to look at me though. I leaned forward over the railing and that piqued his interest. He'd swim around for a little while then pop his head above the water and check us out. Then his (or her) mate jumped into the water and took the attention of our otter away.

All in all we walked about 2 hours and had a blast. Bluebert and hubby talked a lot about school. I tuned them out. (Just kidding.) We walked around and made fun of animals (so as not to show our depression over their obvious imprisonment) and munched on Jolly Ranchers. (Bluebert, you still have those, right? Just joking.)

Inspiration Without Words

Ever experience a feeling that you are just dying to explain....or looking to explain, but lack the words or the subject?

I want to write something thought provoking. Something deep, but I lack the ability to put thought to word.

I suppose my vocabulary is limited enough to not define or describe what I'm feeling. Nothing specific has happened to instill this feeling in me. Unsure why it is I feel this way.

Pensive? Melancholy? Imaginative? Desire? None of these words quite describe how I feel. How frustrating it is to consider yourself literate yet know that you aren't. Ignorance is truly bliss. If I did not know the words existed, I wouldn't feel this frustration.

Tonight, well today really, was interesting for lack of a better word.

A close friend of mine had her vehicle reposessed today. It wasn't my emotions about the matter that were important, it was my inability to help her with her emotions that leave me so frustrated.

I've always been uncomfortable with the whole emotionally suportive role that is expected of me in these situations. I want to tell her not to worry about what I think, it doesn't really matter, but no matter how hard you try to convey that, you know they'll still be embarassed and ashamed of what happened.

It's sad really when in our society that you have to fit these sterotypical roles, and in doing so the greater of your emotions come from not dealing with the issue, but with other people's responses to your issues. Bad things happen to people. It's a fact of life. We've all been there. Whether it's lack of money, losing a possession, having a bad habit, we've all been down that road. Why do we have to pretend that everything is okay? That we have money, a nice house, a perfect family? Why do we turn away from those things that define us as human?

It isn't our ability to be happy that makes us human, it's our responses and lessons from difficult times that do. I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for my darker times. No one is. It's our ability to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off that really define who we are.

Why do we fear death, anger, sadness? And why does our refusal to embrace our emotions make us even more emotional? All these things are inevitable. They are time tested responses to help us deal with life, to overcome adversity, to commune with others who go through what we do.

I think one of the better lessons in life I've come to understand is that we all have skeletons. We all have our dirty little secrets, which if we just shared, would realize their not just our little dirty secrets. They're everyones.

Why do we shun addicts? people with mental problems? money problems? the homeless? We throw money at them, but don't really acknowledge them as people. Isn't that what the real problem is? An addict is still an addict because everything else in his life is shit. He has no one to turn to, no one to love. Everyone around him tells him he's shit and worthless because of his addiction. Is he less human or more human because of his addiction? And can he overcome his addiction if everyone he turns to treats him as less a human being for not overcoming his addiction?

I know. I get into a lot of arguments with people over this one. As a matter of fact, most people who are reading this are probably not even reading anymore. So I will continue on even if it falls on deaf ears. I must explain, I must expell, I must confess.

If you come across a person who does something you frown upon, disagree with, look down upon. Realize first that they do know what they do. But it's an addiction. It's a temporary problem. It's something they do, not who they are.

Realize that just because someone speaks harshly to you, is rude, it may not be who they are, just what they have done. We all have bad days, weeks, years. Hell even sometimes lifetimes. We may regret how we acted later, but I guess I hope that if I'm having a bad moment, and forget myself (I love that phrase, forget myself, so appropriately fitting) that someone can extend me the courtesy of thinking I'm just having a bad day. That it's not personal. A smile. A joke. A wink. That's all it takes.

Well that's what these others are having, only it's not a bad day. All they need is that smile, that joke, that wink, that hug, that love. They need to know that you know that's not who they are.

I forget myself, I am overweight, I'm messy, I'm bad with finances, I shirk social responsibility, but I'm trying to be better. I just put up a better front than others. I'm not perfect. Nobody is. We're just less perfect in different ways.

What has happened to us? Why don't we care anymore? We say we do. We donate. Yeah, we donate. I mean honestly, I can't think of anything else to say positive about society in general. That's pitiful isn't it? We donate.

Ever read Hitchhiker's Guide? Yeah, that should be our entry, "Hey, we donated!" Ugh!!!

But come on people!!!! Let's give a little slack to eachother. We all hurt. We all fear. What makes you better than me? What makes me better than you? We may live differently, but we all end up the same. What does it hurt to be nicer to eachother? To show a little compassion? A little patience? A little faith?

Yeah, I've become a little jaded. I just hope that after this entry, after the sleep, in my waking hours, that I don't forget myself. Or anyone else.

Uggghhhh!!!!

It's times like these where I really do seriously considering having a sex change. I hate my aunt!!!!

Anyway, did you hear this little bit of news?? I'm sure everyone has, but apparently Tom Cruise's religion of Scientology will not allow Katie to take drugs during her labor or make any noise. Fuck that!!!! I mean, I love Tom more than the common fan, but I'd be twisting his nuts and saying "Shhhhhhh, the baby needs peace....fucker!!"

Happiness and Frustration

Guess who came to visit me this morning?? Yep, my aunt. Thank God!!!! Now I have the time to lose that weight and get back into shape. Plus I lost my pound back. Yay!!!

Now onto frustration...

So I was rolling down Central yesterday, talking to God. And quite frankly, this is what I told him, "Are you sure you don't want to reneg on the whole rainbow promise not to flood out humanity thing? Really? Because I give you full permission. Really?! You're a much better God and Father than I could ever hope to be. I'd drown these suckas in a heartbeat."

Why?

#1. Rude assholes on the road. I've seen people continue to drive past ambulances, fire trucks, stopped schoolbuses. Speed by school crosswalks, pedestrians. These assholes think they own the road and no one else matters. Which bring me to

#2. Rude assholes who think they own the world and we are just the peons to support them and put up with their shit. People I lump into this category?

• People with cell phones that must use them WHEREVER and EVERYWHERE they go. Bathrooms, resteraunts, cars, meetings, every freaking where. Geez!!! Get a life!!
• Parents that let their children run wild and don't apologize for them. I remember when I was a kid, and if at any time a parent let their kid knock into someone or create havoc, they would pull them aside, tell them to stop, and apologize to whomever was around. Now, they just glare at you as if you're an intruder on their kids personal playground. People like this make me want to smack them, not their kids.
• Parents that put their kids in danger without blinking an eye. Youknow the type. "Honey, you want to go run in the street and play chicken with the cars?? Well go ahead but don't interrupt mom's conversation with her girlfriend on freaky sex." Ugh!!!! When they're not paying attention, I have this extreme desire to just snatch up their kid and make them freak out for awhile before returning the brat.
• Big fat people who complain about being fat but stuff themselves full of Mickey Ds and lay their fat asses on the sofa. What's even worse is when they complain that some childhood trauma is the reason why they're like this. You know what sista? I've had some experiences in my life, just like everyone has. We all have fucked up families, had fucked up relationships, and fucked up friends at one point. But just pick yer self up, brush yourself off and continue with life. Unless you have some actual serious physical disability, like you have no arms and no legs, I don't want to hear it. A little bit of whining and venting is allowed, but don't wallow in it and blame everyone else. It doesn't make you skinnier or more acceptable.
• Schmarmy policticians, and yes, Mr. Bush you qualify. I am sick and tired of hearing the lies. I'm sick and tired of hearing the agendas. i want a politician that actually cares about people and knows how to budget. But I really beleive that pigs will literally sprout wings and fly before this happens.

Hmmmm, I'm running out of oompf. I've been IMing my sister in law and she's been talking about this poor 9 year old kid with heart problems who donated his stuffed animals to the hospital childrens ward for Easter. This is her friends kid and she's worried about them because he goes into surgery soon.

Part of our conversation:

it's funny because yesterday i watched him playing...and hey,
he's just like any other 9 year old kid. his mom has never treated him
differently so he's very well adjusted. he just can't run as fast as the
other kids and gets very tired easily. he gets to go to a special camp for
cardiac kids. they have pediatric cardiologists on staff and a huge number
of pediatric cardiac nurses. he's had numerous strokes and we were
optimistic because his 2nd and 3rd grade years were really good. generally when
cold/flu season hit he's in the hospital for weeks at a time. the valves
in his heart have been leaking profusely though, so much so that his mom can
hear it with a normal stethascope. and he is not a candidate for a
transplant. so they are going to try and insert a mechanical
aorta.
Onyxpurr: Why is he not a candidate for transplant?
Julie: i'm not sure. Julie: you know it is trevor that helped his mom
come to Christ. he's a neat kid, when he was younger and spent his first
spring out of the hospital...he told his mom that he wanted to take his stuffed
animals down to the kids that had to spend easter in the hospital. i think
he dressed up like a bunny.

Damnit!!! Just when I was getting all riled up. Poor kid. Kids are so damn cool. And you wonder why I want one?

Okay God, I give. No flood. Just watch out for that little guy.

Insanity, slightly, again

Okay, so I decided to put off the baby making for now until December and I can lose some weight. However I am still tracking just in case and also get a feel for what goes on with my body.

So here's where I am today:

- Ummm, have gained a pound and a half, but not for lack of trying. I think it's my AF coming to town however,
- AF was already due at the platform, and I'm still waiting, however
- I took some B6 a while ago which I beleive pushed out my ovulation date, however
- My dang temps have been a bit quirky so I'm not sure if we did the deed right on time or too late, however
- My boobs are still sore and I feel exhausted and nauseous from time to time, however
- I took a HPT today and it came out negative, however
- That might not mean much because some women don't get a positive until 14 or later DPO and I'm supposedly on 11DPO, however

whatever.

Anyway, that's the cruz of my situation. I'm just a tad stressed because of all those issues previous. If I don't get AF this time around, then I think I need to go back to the doc and say, "WTF?! All blood tests normals, GYN tests...normal! Something is not right and you need to find out what! Capice?"

Other than that I'm okay. I'm just a strung-out, stressed-out fatty bo-batty who is more likely bloated from pre-AF than not trying to lose weight.

So :-p

Oh yeah, and a little on the bratty side today too. But this is my blog and I can write about whatever I like.

Okay I feel better now. Whew!!! And now onto our regular programming.

Happy Birthday Hippo!!!

In honor of my buddy's birthday:

The Twenty Best Things About My Best Bud
twenty things for each year you've been alive! ;-)

1. She's great for talking to about sex!!
2. She knows how to make you laugh
3. She knows how to make you feel like your the best thing since sliced bread
4. She's a wonderful and fun mother
5. She inspires you to do things you normally wouldn't do
6. She keeps it altogether aside from her nutty neighbors and family
7. She shags like a manx (although I've only heard second hand)
8. She found a keeper of a hubby in Rollie
9. She has the most beautiful kids
10. She knows how to groove to a tune
11. She knows the right tunes to groove to
12. She looks great for twenty!! ;-)
13. She got me hooked on blog
14. She really cares about your well-being
15. She's finally happy where she is
16. She got a great sense for a great deal at the boot sales
17. She really knows how to decorate
18. She knows how to part-tay
19. She has a great heart for fuzzy humans
20. Have I mentioned she likes to talk about sex?!!

Bonus: You can talk to her about any subject, especially those particularly taboo ones.

The worst thing about her?

She's like a million miles away. :-(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIPPO!!!!!!!

Freaked Out...can you tell?

Warning: Abnormally extensive use of the word "freaked" in this entry.

Ever have something in your life which just freaks you the f*** out?!

Well, aliens are that for me. I'm not sure why and I've never had an experience with them. Don't even believe in them. At least not the kind with two arms, two legs, and head kind. However, they have always scared the crap out of me.

I remember being a child and watching Sesame Street. Those two aliens would come on and always freaked me out. Initially you would see the dark bedroom and nothing, but you knew they were coming. Sure enough the light would spill through the window and you'd start to hear, "Meep, meep, meep, meep." I was so freakin scared but my eyes would be plastered to the screen almost in defiance that these stupid puppets could scare me so bad.

After those scarring years, every once in awhile, in the midst of a dark bedroom and an an open curtain, I was sure that one of those ghastly beings would soon peek through the pane to my frightened stare. They would step through the window and, well...I'm not sure. My fantasies never went beyond the initial encounter.
I would surround myself with pets and repeat to myself the Lord's Prayer in an effort to keep them at bay. Heart pounding with fear, I would quickly slide the drapes closed hoping that if they didn't see me they would forget about me.

To this day, a 29 year old, they still freak me out. Everytime I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I still have to slide the drapes closed. I mean CLOSED, no peak of the outside through a crack. Closed.

The reason I bring this up is my husband just recently started a freelance job with a woman who has photos taken in another country of UFO sightings. From his description they are clearly UFOs. Alien sightings. They freaked him out and, bless his heart, he conveyed to me his fear of these photos.

Me, being the freak about aliens anyway, have been overwhelmed by the feelings of curiosity and fear ever since he declared this new project. He's going to continue to work on it, but I told him I would go with him to this woman's house from now on. I'm not sure what door this would open. Maybe nothing. But why do I have this deathly fear of something I've never had experiences with?

Most of my childhood fears have dissipated by now, but this one stays strong. I've actually awoken from dreams (unrelated to my fears) with the feeling that something was standing mext to my bed looking down at me. I go to switch on the light in a panic, and...nothing. There's nothing there. But I can't switch of the light. I lay back down, rubbing the cross around my neck and repeating the Lords Prayer over and over.

Coincidence?

I think not!