Ever experience a feeling that you are just dying to explain....or looking to explain, but lack the words or the subject?
I want to write something thought provoking. Something deep, but I lack the ability to put thought to word.
I suppose my vocabulary is limited enough to not define or describe what I'm feeling. Nothing specific has happened to instill this feeling in me. Unsure why it is I feel this way.
Pensive? Melancholy? Imaginative? Desire? None of these words quite describe how I feel. How frustrating it is to consider yourself literate yet know that you aren't. Ignorance is truly bliss. If I did not know the words existed, I wouldn't feel this frustration.
Tonight, well today really, was interesting for lack of a better word.
A close friend of mine had her vehicle reposessed today. It wasn't my emotions about the matter that were important, it was my inability to help her with her emotions that leave me so frustrated.
I've always been uncomfortable with the whole emotionally suportive role that is expected of me in these situations. I want to tell her not to worry about what I think, it doesn't really matter, but no matter how hard you try to convey that, you know they'll still be embarassed and ashamed of what happened.
It's sad really when in our society that you have to fit these sterotypical roles, and in doing so the greater of your emotions come from not dealing with the issue, but with other people's responses to your issues. Bad things happen to people. It's a fact of life. We've all been there. Whether it's lack of money, losing a possession, having a bad habit, we've all been down that road. Why do we have to pretend that everything is okay? That we have money, a nice house, a perfect family? Why do we turn away from those things that define us as human?
It isn't our ability to be happy that makes us human, it's our responses and lessons from difficult times that do. I wouldn't be the person I am today if not for my darker times. No one is. It's our ability to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off that really define who we are.
Why do we fear death, anger, sadness? And why does our refusal to embrace our emotions make us even more emotional? All these things are inevitable. They are time tested responses to help us deal with life, to overcome adversity, to commune with others who go through what we do.
I think one of the better lessons in life I've come to understand is that we all have skeletons. We all have our dirty little secrets, which if we just shared, would realize their not just our little dirty secrets. They're everyones.
Why do we shun addicts? people with mental problems? money problems? the homeless? We throw money at them, but don't really acknowledge them as people. Isn't that what the real problem is? An addict is still an addict because everything else in his life is shit. He has no one to turn to, no one to love. Everyone around him tells him he's shit and worthless because of his addiction. Is he less human or more human because of his addiction? And can he overcome his addiction if everyone he turns to treats him as less a human being for not overcoming his addiction?
I know. I get into a lot of arguments with people over this one. As a matter of fact, most people who are reading this are probably not even reading anymore. So I will continue on even if it falls on deaf ears. I must explain, I must expell, I must confess.
If you come across a person who does something you frown upon, disagree with, look down upon. Realize first that they do know what they do. But it's an addiction. It's a temporary problem. It's something they do, not who they are.
Realize that just because someone speaks harshly to you, is rude, it may not be who they are, just what they have done. We all have bad days, weeks, years. Hell even sometimes lifetimes. We may regret how we acted later, but I guess I hope that if I'm having a bad moment, and forget myself (I love that phrase, forget myself, so appropriately fitting) that someone can extend me the courtesy of thinking I'm just having a bad day. That it's not personal. A smile. A joke. A wink. That's all it takes.
Well that's what these others are having, only it's not a bad day. All they need is that smile, that joke, that wink, that hug, that love. They need to know that you know that's not who they are.
I forget myself, I am overweight, I'm messy, I'm bad with finances, I shirk social responsibility, but I'm trying to be better. I just put up a better front than others. I'm not perfect. Nobody is. We're just less perfect in different ways.
What has happened to us? Why don't we care anymore? We say we do. We donate. Yeah, we donate. I mean honestly, I can't think of anything else to say positive about society in general. That's pitiful isn't it? We donate.
Ever read Hitchhiker's Guide? Yeah, that should be our entry, "Hey, we donated!" Ugh!!!
But come on people!!!! Let's give a little slack to eachother. We all hurt. We all fear. What makes you better than me? What makes me better than you? We may live differently, but we all end up the same. What does it hurt to be nicer to eachother? To show a little compassion? A little patience? A little faith?
Yeah, I've become a little jaded. I just hope that after this entry, after the sleep, in my waking hours, that I don't forget myself. Or anyone else.
2 comments:
Yeah, I think you have a good point. It is hard to be nice sometimes, but I try to be as nice as I can be.
Onyx very good point. I need to print this entry and carry it around with me. It's such a catch 22 cause people say, feel good about yourself, you're this you're that, you're worthy, etc.. but thinking that way and believing what they say, requires you to almost put yourself above other people. Hold yourself in a higher regard, but then you turn out being conceited and judgemental. I grapple with this issue all the time.
Growing up all I ever did was try to prove to people, usually the lowest of the low people, that I didn't think too much of myself, that I was right there with them etc.. but what ended up happening is I allowed that need to prove it to them to drag me down. I had to require myself to think more highly of myself even if it means that I can't allow myself to associate with people who do certain things. That's where your subject matter comes in. It's hard to disassociate yourself from that kind of thing, without judging. I try hard not to, but I do it.
Post a Comment