I'm not sure why I have this sudden fear. Or obsession. It doesn't stay with me all day. Just all of a sudden hits me. In the daytime I fear for hubby's demise. I don't know what I would do if he was gone. I'd just be a shell of the former person I used to be. Depression would overcome me. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes.
My own death becomes my fear late at night. With all the lights off and just the glow of the hallway light creating a thin stripe of white against the ceiling, I wonder, do I just stop existing? Of all the myriad of possibilities, you would think this is one of the two that would be preferred. But it scares me. What if the time I have here is it? The only chance I'll be able to exist?
I look over at my husband and wonder what life would be like for him if I just suddenly passed away? I'm sure he'd be devastated. Would he ever get over it? I hope so.
It's rather an odd thing to fear considering I have been pretty blessed in this arena of my life. Only two relatives have passed away. My grandfather on my mother's side and my grandfather on my dad's side. My father's mother calls me from time to time. I wonder if she thinks about her clock. Wonder if she feels it ticking. Wonder what she thinks about it all.
After awhile though I start to think that my fear is ridiculous. I fear death, therefore my life is miserable because I'm so obsessed with death. Doesn't make any sense. So eventually I fall asleep and usually I say a small prayer before I do:
"God, please at least allow me time to have children and watch them grow up before I die."
When you fear death, if you fear death, what is the foremost thought on your mind?
4 comments:
I don't fear death. I know it sounds cliche, but I feel like if it's my time to go, regardless of how old my children are or not, it's my time. What if your purpose on the earth was not to have children but to do something else? Why not allow yourself to be lead in the direction that's best for you rather than trying to control the uncontrolable?
I think what it boils down to is that I do love my life. I'm not ready to let it go. And regardless of other goals, my most important one is to have kids eventually. I want to see them grow up and love them. All other goals are not as important to me as that one. Seeing my husband become a dad, my mother become a grandmother.
On the other hand, I don't think it's fear of death, so much fear of not living. And also the fear of pain when I die. I just hope I die in my sleep or a successful shot to the head. :-)
I welcome it. Not in a suicidal way. But usually the worries that keep me up at night are more along the lines of "what should I do about such-and-such?" So I guess I think of death more as the final answer to life's problems. One way or another, its over.
Oh My God Girl I was feeling miserable and ILL when I read your blog, now I'm feeling Ill, miserable and depressed! I only fear death when I am depressed, it's happened twice in my life and lasted a few weeks each time, kept me awake etc.. All I can say is it will pass and rather than fear it you will be able to acknowledge it without it ruining your day and life.....Have a nice day :-)
wv easy crusty and wicked
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