We'll See

Okay, so I have officially started tracking all sorts of fertility signs, because if I'm not preggers then I wanna be. So let me know. Will it thoroughly annoy you to talk about that on my diary or would you prefer I keep a seperate one for that??

It's amazing what technology can do for you. I know by basal temperature, ovulation test, and other symptoms just when is the best time to shag. Not bad, but I hope it doesn't start to feel like a 'have to do' to us soon.

**BEWARE: Info friends may not want to know portion of the entry, but not really graphic**

The sex has been great! But baby making sex has always been great. You should try it sometime (when you're ready). Sex with absolutely no restrictions. Shagging just to shag. With a purpose!! It's incredible!!

**Safe topic again**

I'm hope the doctor calls me today and let's me know what is going on. I still feel like crap and the only reason why I feel out of my mind is because I'm afraid all of these maybe only exist IN my mind. (sigh)

I do feel better though now I've taken control just in case we're not pregnant right now.

How I'm Feeling Today: A little nauseous still. Too early to tell for other symptoms, but was still lightheaded yesterday.

Thanks guys!!

I guess I've been a little needy lately, but I appreciate the kind words. And yes G, it drives me absolutely bonkers when I shell out cash for someone to tell me nothing's wrong and send me on my way. But I suppose in way it's good too. I'm not sure if it's preferrable to know there's something wrong physically or psychologically??

That's the way I feel. Part of me is afraid that my mind is just making this all up. Schitzo-Onyx. That's me! lol

But I do thank you for your help in keeping some of my sanity. We'll see. I wonder when the blood tests will be finished??? Hmm......

Until then, I'll keep you updated.

Where Is Everyone??

I went to the doctor today. Diagnosis? Nothing.

He sent me for some blood tests, testing for everything BUT pregnancy. Says it doesn't look like allergies. LOL. So we'll see. I think I'll just wait to see what those tests say and if anything weird happens with my Aunt we'll try a serious blood test.

Until then, I'll just call me the psycho crazy girl who thinks she has something and make gestures behind my back indicating I'm cookoo.

Hasta and hope to hear from you twerps soon!

Freakin President

Okay, so rather than go on and on about how I feel, I'll just do a quick update at the end of each blog. See below for more details.

So, yesterday we look up in the sky and what do we see?? No it wasn't a bird or a plane, it was fire. A big cloud wafting up from an unknown location. Because my throat has been annoying me and I have massive headaches, I decided to look online to see what I can find about it.

Guess what?

No news about the big ass fire. The headliners? Well of course, the hurricane and Mr. Bush's impending visit today to talk about Medicare. Let me just reuterate, I hate this fucker and I hate it when he comes to my town. Why? Because he always has to stay at some fancy-ass hotel that happens to be only about a block away from my house. He ends up clogging our streets the way he clogs up the "conservatives" minds.

Anyway, none to pleased about that.

Nothing else to report today...yet. We'll see what happens as the day progresses.

Health Update: Still feel like shit. Throat getting to me, off and on headaches, lightheadedness with about a 50% chance of nausea.

Can't Hold Out Any Longer

I know I promised I wouldn't talk about my latest obsession this weekend, but I just can't hold it in anymore.

Do you know what my wonderful husband did this weekend? (Aside from attempting to knock me up in a rather good 'knocking up' session?)

We were out and he turns to me and says, "You know what? Let's go get a baby outfit."

Awwwwwww....

So we headed over to Target and we looked at baby stuff and I immediately zoned in on the Classic Pooh stuff. I love Pooh!! I have ever since I could say 'Pooh' (I know, ironic considering the last post, huh?) I still have my 2nd Pooh bear (first one was destroyed from so much use) and hubby has his. So it's only appropriate that the first thing we buy for our future child is Pooh.

So this is what we chose:



I didn't open the package until we got into the car. I just couldn't help myself, and know what I found?? The little hands are Pooh bear head hands...



OMG!! I could just die from all the cuteness.

But instead I've come down with what I think they call a migraine. I feel better having gotten the cutesy baby clothes though. We're going to do this every weekend from now on. This future kid of ours is going to look GOOOOODDDDDD.

Toodles!!

(Okay, I promise no more sappy posts after this, but come'on!!! Did you see the cute little hand holders?!?!)

Childish Phrases

Okay, so what's up with adults using child words?

I have heard the word "caca" twice this week. Everytime I hear (or read) it, it makes me stop dead in my tracks and give a WTF?! look to whomever is issuing it.

For anyone using this immature adjective to describe shit, please let me offer up some other words that may be useful other than the profane and idiotic slang term used by two year olds:

- poop
- feces
- crud
- excrement
- muck
- refuse
- feculence
- foul matter
- crap
- number 2
- log
- and my all time favorite..simply SHIT

Okay. So now you know.

Odd Todd

Have you guys seen this flash?? It's freakin hilarious. I'll wait while you watch...

So while Hubby was driving me home from work yesterday, he started to talk a little fun-nay. And I started to noticed that he sounded a bit like Todd.

So asked him, hon-ay, why are you talking so weird. So he said he was talking like the friend he carpools in with, D. I was a bit flabbergasted that his friend talked like Odd Todd. And the weird thing is I couldn't tell between my hubby imitating his friend, D, Todd, and talking normally.

Which really is odd because I always try to envision in my mind what a person who talks like Odd Todd looks like. Found out...he looks like hubby...

Hmmm, not exactly how I thought it would turn out but hey:

(duh, duh, d-duh, duh, duh, duh, du)

TICKED OFF:

A Day In The Life

P.S. I'm trying to keep my mind off my woes this weekend. So you won't hear me mention *whispers* that thing.

Toodaloo pals 'o' mine!!

Weekly World News

Too funny. I went to Danius Maximus' blog today and saw a new 'Weekly World News' cover.

Oddly enough hubby and I had just purchased this edition because it was too hilarious.

If you can't read the small print, it says, "Sign the petition inside or Fluffy DIES!"

I think my most favorite was when BatBoy had signed up for the military to get Osama.

Gift From Heaven

So...I've been reading about this "basal" temperature stuff. Hmmmm....so the only question really left to ask is, "Why the fuck did it take eleven years of a relationship to find out I don't need to waste hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests to find out I'm pregnant?"

(Ya know, at this rate, I'm going to have to start a WTF?! daily question. I seem to ask this a lot.)

So for you uneducated in the ways of ovulation, lemme explain.

First thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed, I take my "basal" temperature. After my period, it's normal, then right at the start of ovulation it spikes up about .6-1 degree. That's how I know when it's time to try to make a baby. Now stay with me here, this is the most amazing thing:

If the temperature stays high, for say about 18 days, a woman can relatively say with ease, "Hey. I'm pregnant!"

Do you know how much this little miracle worker of a thermometer cost me? $10. Ten freakin dollars!!! (Well maybe a little more with tax.)

And I don't have to take any more pregnancy tests, don't even have to worry about ovulation tests. So once again I ask, WTF?

Also, interestingly enough, I took my first reading today. (Still feeling punky though with twitches in the nether regions, headaches, lack of appetite, and slight nausea.) My reading was 96.3

Normal readings are usually 96-98, I believe. Some websites say anything below 97 is low. And do you know what a low basal temperature might indicate? HYPOTHYROID.

Hypo-freakin-thyroid. Whew!! Yeah, not cancer, not heart attack, not pyscho-crazy lady syndrome. HYPOTHYROID. Which might explain my fat ass.

So best case? I may be preggers, but only if my basal temp was incredibly low to begin with. If I don't see any changes in temp in the next 10 days, I'm going in for a blood test for pregnancy.

Worst case? Hypothermia, umm, I mean hypothyroid-ia, which I can live with. Then I'll schedule an appt with the doc and say, "get me some meds, STAT!" Just so I sound professional and he takes me seriously. (Yeah, right)

So emotionally I feel better today. Not so out of whack and freaked out. Just in case, I am taking my prenatal pills. Those things are chock full of vitaminy goodness so no harm. Prenatal vitamins are like God, now I think about it. If I take them, and there is no baby, then no harm done; but if I don't take them and I am pregnant -- I'm fucked.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for bearing with me. Perhaps I'll have some entries unrelated to my ovaries this weekend. Give you a break.

The Aftermath

Okay, so now seriously. They didn't take any tests. All they did was the usual urine test as I walked in the door. I probably downplayed it a bit, but...well you'd think they'd wonder somewhat at what's going on. Maybe I didn't act concerned enough??

Actually I thought maybe once I went there and they said, "No, you're not preggers," I'd stop these symptoms. But...well it feels as if they've gotten worse.

I know I'm driving you nuts with this, but it's small compared to the amount I've been worrying about it. Mostly because of the dumbass doctors you're supposed to rely upon that tell you it's just "stress" or your making it up because you're so desperate to be sick or pregnant.

And all anyone says is, "Don't stress. Try not to think about it." But

a) That's like saying don't think about pink elephants and then, bloop...



and b) these symptoms plague me all freakin day. There isn't a moment when I don't feel lightheaded. Then my throat feels lumpy. A brief twinge goes off in my nether regions. Headaches abound today. Geez!!

Part of what freaks me out is what if it's not stress or pregnancy?? What if I'm about to have a heart attack or a stroke?? WTF?? "Here's some prenatal vitamins and see me in a month. Good luck."??

Anyway, if I don't feel better by Monday, I'm calling my PCP. Hopefully he'll have some answers. I can't tell you the amount of people I know who had problems, the doctor's told them is was "stress" or "nothing" only to find out they had cysts or were pregnant. Idiots!!! (The doctors, not my friends of course. Duh!!!)

Anyway, I think most of it is post-partum stress. See my buddy Hippo moved to England a while ago, then my buddy Sean moved to Missoure'. Now...you know what's happened?? Oh my freakin God, you're not gonna believe it. Hold on to your desk or somethin....

Baskin Robbins closed down. Right across the street. I know what you're sayin. "But Onyx, you have a Starbucks almost right next door to you. What more could you need?"

Mint-freakin-chocolate chip ice cream baby. No one makes it as deliciouso as Baskin Robbins. Nope!! I won't hear it. La, la, la, la, la...I don't care what you say, Baskin Robbins had the best mint chocolate chip in the world. So as you can see my whole little world is out of whack.

Oh and in addition to that ,Hippo, Jutenhoops has closed. WTF?? Well at least I have dark chocolate M & Ms.

What? You've gotta be kiddin me....Arrrrggghhhh!!!!!

Just a Quick Update

They only did a urine test, and it came out negative.

I spoke to the gyn and she says it may be stress, don't worry.

Don't worry?!?! Don't worry?!!

I just said, "ok" humbly and went on my merry way. She gave me a special ovulation calendar and said to get a basal thermometer. I figure if I am preggers, perhaps it will read high continously? I don't freakin know. Still lightheaded and nauseous. Still psycho.

I just need to relax but it's freakin hard.

Yes I do need a break. I need my pal hippo here. I'm gonna call the insurance company and see if they'll pay for a wellness ticket to England. :-)

Anyway, will write more later.

So True

Dr's Appt Tomorrow

Somethin's going on and I'm not quite sure what.

My body is just acting weird on me. Not sure if it's psychosomatic or just plain cancer, but I decided to schedule a doctor's appointment anyway.

So now I'm psyching myself up for all inevitable outcomes:

Outcome #1

Doctor: "There's nothing wrong with you. Stop freaking out."

Me: "Okay."

Outcome #2

Doctor: "You have stones."

Me: "What? I'm not stoned!"

Doctor: "No, you HAVE stones."

Me: "Fuck."

Outcome #3

Doctor: "You have cancer."

Me: "Yippee!"

Doctor: "Did you hear me?"

Me: "Yes! Give me the number to Make a Wish
Foundation. I want to skeet with The Donald's toupee."

Outcome #4

Doctor: "You're pregnant"

Me: "Stop fucking with me."

Doctor: "Okay. You have cancer."

Me: "Yippee! Call Make A Wish. I want a little clone and she shall be
called...Mini-Me."

So, I'll let you know tomorrow what happens. If anything. The doctor will probably just tell me to stop stressing out so much and take a vacation. Either that or the standard, "let's do some more blood tests so we can drive you crazy for about another week or so."

Dreams

Not night dreams, those beautiful dreams you used to have as a kid. Remember those?

Remember watching Disney films like Black Beauty and Karate Kid? Remember the feeling you used to get? Like you could do anything and had full intentions of doing just that?

When you were a kid, the world was you're oyster. you were ready to go out and fulfill your dreams!! Be happy because darn it, this is America and we have full freedom to the pursuit* of happiness!!

Hubby and I went to go see the 40 year old virgin with some friends Saturday. (No I don't have dreams of being a virgin and I promise this is going somewhere decent.) During the preview, Disney was advertising a new movie. It's about a kid in like the 40s who was a great golf player but because he came from a poor family, the golf clubs were telling him he couldn't golf. Of course, this being a true story and a Disney film, you know the kid went on to be a great, or at least win one big competition.

So I was sitting there remembering all my hopes and dreams, dashed against the rocks now in favor of stability and a new Rav4. I had actually put mine on the sideburner in favor of hopefully having hubby follow his own. He has now successfully won a few local graphic design awards and is considering moving us to Seattle to pursue the big dream.

So I guess my career isn't on hold anymore. But what do I want to do? What dream do I want to pursue? At one time I wanted to take over Micro$oft, but now I think I'd rather do something creative. Something that has nothing to do with money. Just something to make me happy.

Something that I don't have to wait on a friend for or invest in. So...I think it's cartooning. I did up a few more last night and I think it's coming out well. I need to get a way to draw these up in the computer though. I drew a difficult frame yesterday and had to draw the same thing in the next frame and my hand was just itching to click copy, paste. (Sigh)

Anyway, when I'm ready I'll show you the cartoons. But I don't think I'm ready yet. Just know that I'm healing. Slowly, but surely. Maybe eventually I'll write that book too.

Bottom line kiddies: Don't give up on your dreams. You may have to put them on hold, but don't give up on them.


* Disclaimer: Only pursuit of happiness guaranteed. Actual happiness not included.

Badger, Badger

This has been going through my mind all freakin weekend. This and "Where can ya see lions? Only in Kenya.."

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/

For those of you in England:

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/footy/

Something's Got To Change

I have my Master's degree and a good job. Hubby is working a good job and should graduate soon. I should be happier.

Yet...

So something has to change. I've been having weird dreams at night. I think last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had a dream that I accepted a job at Best Buy to be a researcher into people who are suspected to have committed fraud with their warranty. I ended up being a pro at it and I loved it.

Then my next dream was also a new job but the same boss. One of my first duties was to handle a conference call and I totally boffed it. I couldn't get anything right and ended up being half an hour late on the call. I was frantic and kept saying, "I'll get better!!"

Following Part Women Only (Men Read On At Own Risk!)

Plus weird stuff has been happening to me. I suppose if hippo can talk about her baby maker, i can talk about mine. The past two periods (this one included) have been odd. Very much lighter and, well, different. I don't want to gross you out. I think i need to call the gyn about it. I tried looking online but the only thing I found was an article on cervical cancer, but I think the symptoms were supposed to be period unrelated. Anyway, I need to find out.

I think a lot of this has to do with stress and weight gain. I am starting to freak out over how much I weigh. So one of the things that has got to change is definately my weight. I'm going to start taking walks at night and start going to Weight Watchers because this is just insane.

Anyhoo, not feeling all that sunshiny today. I'm sure things will change soon. As soon as I can get myself on a regular schedule I'm sure it will be better. Hubby graduates in four weeks, and then we should have a semi-normal life. I'm definately positive that things will be better then.

------------------------

Oh by the way!! One of things I'm trying my hand at is cartooning. I haven't figured out how to make my characters look good yet, but I have created my first cartoon. Hubby loves it.

As soon as I figure out how to draw my character's bodies without it looking dorky, I'll post one up.

The Wonderfulness of Being a Woman

Well, it's official. I'm NOT pregnant. My visitor came yesterday and is destroying the house today. Man, I feel like crap.

Anyway, I have no freakin idea what was going on with me. Hubby thinks it was stress. So today is my destress day. I'm trying to just chill and figure out what I need out of life.

Not want...Need.

I need something to do for fun. Something creative. Something that allows me to destress. Of course, blogging does help. But it doesn't exactly expand my mind. Okay, so expanding my mind isn't what I'm lookin for.

I guess I need something to take my mind OFF life's little stressors. Not make me focus on them. Blogging helps me vent, but doesn't help me destress really. Just helps me avoid becoming suicidal. Ok, homicidal.

To top it off hubby was feeling like crap yesterday too. He lost his $200 external hard drive. He was sure someone stole it therefore was being a complete dick around the house. I thought he was pissed at me, but he was just frustrated. Both of us PMSing at the same time is not good.

So before I went to bed last night I said a little prayer, "God, please let me be pregnant. And if not, well then at least help hubby find his external hard drive (because I don't want to shell out for a new one.)"

Well, as always God has a sense of humor. Hubby found his hard drive and I'm not preggers. Be careful what you pray for.

BTW, thanks for calling hippo. That was really great to hear your voice, regardless of how english it's sounding. Ha, ha.

Update

I've kind of been busy and emotional, so sorry I haven't posted guys.

We have a BBQ in a few hours, so I can't give an in depth update.

Hubby and I have been singing "In Kenya" for like twenty four hours straight. I wonder if that's why I'm so psycho lately?? lol

We had a big fight this a.m. but mostly because I'm a stress monger. Today is the big day, unless of course it isn't, then tomorrow's the big day.

I've tried keeping my mind off it, but it's impossible. Especially when hubby looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, "I REALLY want a baby." No pressure. :-)

That's a big thing considering when we first married he was dead set against children. So it would be a really big thing for me to be able to give him this. On the same token though, I told him not to get his hopes up. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, but it's driving me insane.

All should be well by Monday.

I'll put up a pic of the fish for you, hippo, either tomorrow or tonight.

Warning: Sappy moment

Thank guys!! You're the best!!

Fuck!

I really need to go home. My day has not gone well at all.

I sent out a scathingly sarcastic email this morning to a group, and I didn't mean for it to be sarcastic. It's just that was was the straight truth sounded sarcastic.

Fuck!!!

So now I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a raving bitch. I did send an apology email, but damage = done. Ugh!!!

I am so freaking emotional today. I just need to chill. (Big breath)

In the meantime, have you seen this??

In Kenya
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kenya.php

Pictures

I am trying to be a good housewife. I think I'm somewhat succeeding. Here is some proof.

My newly cleaned kitchen. I think it's coming along nicely.

Our living room. We had to move the Bowflex in the middle because there is no room anywhere else.

Our living room from a different view.

Have I mentioned I can't wait until the roomie moves out? His office stuff is currently in our dining room. It's not that big of a deal, but I can't wait until this stuff is moved out and I can buy a decent dining set. Actually hubby and I are doing Third Saturdays (every 3rd Saturday anyone and everyone is free to join for a BBQ) therefore I think I'll get a buffet table instead of a formal dining set.

Another living room shot.

Gratuitous fwitten shot. Where's Onyx?

(Notice pregnancy test box. It's completely empty. Screw it! I'll just wait it out!)

Our bedroom...where all the magic* happens.

*Magic aka sleep and late night television viewing.

I'm still amazed that my hubby doesn't make fun of me for still sleeping with a teddy bear. However have you ever tried? They make excellent pillows!!

By the way Hippo, have you seen the teethers since the braces came off??

And lastly, to all you flaggers out there...

...

Cat Trim

Ebaum,
"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled). When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her. She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. Click here to see the photos!

Disclaimer and Explanation

Blue Nibbler - you were right, I WAS sompletely obsessing. I did check out the pregnancy symptoms, but not everyone is the same and you could not have all the symptoms. And most even do explain, "...just like when you get your visitor."

So essentially, I'm going to try to chill until Sat/Sun when I expect my monthly visitor.

I still feel sick. More nauseous than ever. I also found out that my aunt and mom have been having these symptoms. I think.

So anyway, I'm gonna stop talking about this in every post and driving you people nuts.

However, I will keep you updated as to whether or not I'm sick. Thanks for all your sympathies and feedback!!

And Ms. Bluebert...find five. Just find some people you see in comments or just find interesting and tag them. That's how I got tagged...twice. LOL.

When You're Right, You're Right

I am obsessing a little.

(Big breath, sigh)

So...

While walking through the Customer Service department I noticed a certificate on one of the reps desks. It read:

"Most Likely to Become Supervisor"

Now I don't know how long he's had that certificate, but man! what a slap in the face. What if he never becomes supervisor?? All he has is that damn certificate sitting on his desk taunting him.

It might as well say, "You're a really good employee but rather than give you more money or a promotion, here is a peice of paper that will haunt your ass and make you work like a dog to finally acheive supervisor or die trying."

Nice recognition.

Tagged

By 2 people no doubt - Ashley and TheBlueNibble this is for you.

List out five songs you're currently digging.

This is going to be hard as I've been mostly listening to Yahoo Launchcast who's service totally rocks!!

But I'm a music lover and opinionated, so I think I can come up with somethin:

1. Weezer - Anything on the Make Believe album, but mostly "We Are All on Drugs","Beverly Hills", and "Perfect Situation"
2. Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News - "Bury Me With It"
3. Cake - Comfort Eagle - "Comfort Eagle" (I will always love this song.)
4. Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway - "Since you've been gone" (Okay don't kill me for this selection but it's an earworm with me and she really does have a great voice.)
5. Rob Thomas - Something To Be - "I am an Illusion" (I love dramatic songs, full of emotion)

Okay, there you have it. Of course, if you're interested in any other favorites of mine, I try to comile them to the right of my blog. Just scroll down.

So now I get to tag people, right?

I tag:
- hippo-pepperpot
- tats tips
- euro-trac
- cloudy
and....
- bluebert

Have fun guys!!!!

Dare I Hope?

Okay, halfway through the week and still nauseous as fuck. As a matter of fact, I think it's getting worse, although I haven't had to throw up yet.

I took another test late last night at three in the a.m. and nothing. But...I dunno. Why is my body being like this? I can't remember ever feeling like this, for this long, without change.

It's the same symptoms over and over again. Nauseous, little heartburn, tired. Not hungry much because I'm feeling nauseous all the time.

So I either have a bug or I'm preggers. I finally broke down and told hubby. Visitor is supposed to come this weekend. If he doesn't (has to be a he, who else would give me such pain?) then I'm going to call the doctor.

I remember hippo saying her preggers tests came out negative and finally she had to persuade them to do a blood test. If I'm still feeling this way regardless, come Monday I'm making a little visit to the doc's.

But part of me is somewhat excited. I stop eating certain things, taking certain pills, getting more sleep, but I keep feeling the same way. Whether I eat or don't eat. Whether I sleep or don't sleep.

Oh and another weird thing, my legs drive me NUTS at night. Especially my left one. It just feels antsy. I can barely get to sleep at night because they feel restless.

So we'll see. I'm sure you're sick of these rants, but I'm sick of not knowing and somewhat fearful of knowing. I'll keep you updated. I've been through this too many times (although not for this long). i hate getting all excited and then finding out I'm not. Then what if I'm not? What if it is something like...oh I dunno. Augh!!!!!

Aggravated

So...I felt a little better today and then I didn't. I still feel a little nauseous and have a bit of some kind of heartburn. I'm really tired. But I took a freakin pregnancy test and still...NEGATIVE!!!

So what the fuck is wrong with me? (Can you tell I'm a very impatient person?)

Anyway, if I still feel this way through Sunday, I'm callin the doc. This is just so frustrating.

-------------------------------------------

Danius...a little som'in som'in for you.

And girls...a litte uh-huh for you. ;-)

Soft Brad Pitt

Hard Brad Pitt

Day Two

Feeling a bit better although thoroughly exhausted. I took a pregnancy test yesterday, but it came out negative. It may be too soon as my visitor isn't supposed to arrive for another 4 days, but I'm impatient.

I've narrowed it down to two things...throat cancer or pregnant.

Okay, okay, it could be more than that. I just wish things were as simple as when I was a kid...

When I got sick, there was no doubt...I had a cold.

Now as an adult, if I feel pain or nauseousness, I think, "Okay, it could be pregnant. Damn I'd hate to be disappointed again. Or it could be cancer. Could be asbestos poisoning. Hmmmmm, could be an ulcer."

If I get a headache, I start to immediately think, "Remember that guy on the news who had headaches then one day *poof* he died from an anurysm. I wonder if I have a tumor?"

My throat hurts, "Oh my God, I have cancer."

My stomach hurts, "Oh my God, I have cancer."

I can't go to the bathroom, "Oh....my....God, I have cancer!"

(sigh)

-----------------------------------------

On a different note, I'm going to kill my roommate. At least then, HE'll know what he died from.

Okay, let me preface this by saying, he's a nice guy. Sweet. All around good ole average Joe.

But he's so freakin lazy!!! At least with the last roommate he would pitch in with doing dishes or mowing the lawn. This roommate? Nada.

Okay, he DID do the dishes the other day, but this is not common. It would be nice to come home and just find the dishes in the dishwasher put away. Or the lawn mowed. Or something.

Maybe it's just me being bitchy, but I cannot wait until we have no more roommates.


I was going to post a pic of a chalk outline, but this was much funnier.

Not Feeling Well

Oddly enough, my emotional state has been going well today. However, let's review:

1) Felt slightly nauseous and a bit of heartburn, all...freakin...day.

2) Lightheaded to the point of giddiness for about a week.

3) Vivid dreams for the past week.

4) Antsy legs at night for the past two days.

5) Throat a little tight for the past week and a half. Doesn't hurt, just dry and constricted.

6) Tired most of the time and out of it. Except for today which hasn't been bad but I wouldn't turn down a nap.

There are a few other things, but nothing I want to mention with a man in the room.

Now I'm usually lightheaded, but not like this. I haven't been hungry in awhile, not like I usually am, and eating is like forcing myself to eat.

So whaddya think? Allergies? Stress??

I'm not expecting my monthly visitor until Friday, so any thought in that direction is a bit premature. (sigh)

I just hate to get excited about nothing again.

Unwritten Laws at Work

1) Bathroom etiquette -

If all the stalls are empty, please do not proceed to inhabit the one right next to me.

This morning I go in the bathroom and there wasn't a single soul there. (Which I prefer, because I really do think it's apeish to pee and defecate in a room where everyone else can hear you.) So I'm sitting there on the porcelain throne, when someone comes in and sits in the stall RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

Always...this always freakin happens. There is like 6 other stalls, and they always have to pick the one next to me. Why is that?

So while I'm sitting there, I can see her sandaled foot underneath the separator. I felt like pushing my foot next to it and touching it with my sandaled toes. Then when she shrieks out in horror, simply explain, "I thought by your taking the next stall it was an indicator that you wanted to be close?"

2) Lunchroom etiquette - Coffee

If you drink coffee, and there is only a cup of coffee left in the carafe and you take that cup of coffee...MAKE ANOTHER FUCKIN POT OF COFFEE!!!!!!! Even my boss knows this is a weak spot of mine. Every single freakin time I go into the breakroom to fix myself coffee, there is at least two, out of the three, carafes completely empty. Sometimes they'll even turn off the heating pads and set the empty carafes to the side, like it fucking helps or something!!!

So every day, at least five times, I have to play coffee waitress and make the freakin coffee that someone else neglected to make.

3) Lunchroom etiquette - Refrigerator

Ladies and gentlemen, the refrigerator at work does not work like at home. Especially for you kids that at age 35 still live with your parents. It doesn't automatically fill itself. You can not take anything you please that looks good to you. That includes my 5 freakin dollar a bottle coffee creamer. It also does not include my South Beach Diet frozen meals. If you don't stop, I'll be tempted to either put blue dye or rat poison in my next batch. You decide which one it will be.

4) Just Leave Me the Fuck Alone!!!!

This isn't really etiquette based, I'm just freakin busier than hell and I still have to be put on a list, like every Joe Schmoe, to try to get box seats to Weezer. Do you know how many OT hours I've worked? Know how many $$s I've saved the company? Do you know how frustrated I'm becoming? Box seats to Weezer really wouldn't cost you that much in the ways of a little appreciation. I enjoyed the Suns box seats, but Weezer seats would totally kick ass and make me happy for months.

So there's my latest rant. Not depressed today, just irritable. Let's just say you better not steal my coffee and then plop yourself in the stall next to mine or it's 'some scenario that's really bad but I'm too pissed to be witty about' time.

Coffee Review

Okay, class, let's review...

This is an automatic drip machine

this is a coffee press

and this is God's gift to coffee lover's everywhere

And while I don't drink decaf that much, I think there is a need for it. Or else I would be bouncing off the walls after my sixth cup 'o joe at work.

Starbucks

Wow...I'm...amazed...at the response to a...Starbucks comment. Hmmmm....

LOL. Just kidding, I love coffee as every American should. Any American preferring tea is a freakin traitor. And as any American, I loves my Starbucks.

Starbucking
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/starbucking_movie

However, let me say this, being the coffee connoisseur that I am...

Starbucks is NOT the end all and be all of coffee. Starbucks serves one purpose: that the coffee you get at one Starbucks is going to be the same that you get at a Starbucks across the way. However, a bad things about Starbucks? Because they are so large, they have to acquire beans in large quantities. Therefore the bean they use is far inferior than what you're local coffee shop has.

Local coffee shops can get beans from much better places because they do not require millions of pounds of beans.

Take my word for it. The best lattes I ever had were just right across the street from my old work. The coffee, ad Hippo says, was super lush. Very fresh. For some reason, ever since Starbucks got really large, they're coffee almost tastes stale or burnt. And they flavor it too much with sweeteners that now you can't taste the coffee anymore.

It's still good for a quickie, but for really good fucking coffee, go to your local coffee shop.

Oh and the best way to make coffee??

1) Buy fresh beans. Don't even consider getting it already ground.

2) Grind it right before you make it. If you've ever ground beans yourself and smelled the aroma coming from the beans right as you grind them up, as you know, it's almost orgasmic. (Don't tell my husband, but sometimes a really good latte is as good as sex. As a matter of fact I should try those together. Damn!!!)

3) For the love of God, don't use an automatic drip!!! That's coffee sacrilege!!! Use one of these babies: a coffee press. It's extremely easy to use and much easier to clean. And the coffee comes out so freakin good, almost frothy.

4) Use good water. If you've ever lived in AZ, then you know what I mean. The water we have out of the tap is nearly sludge. Now you don't have to go out and get artisan water (rolls eyes) but you should get something that you can stand drinking straight.

5) Know your beans. Do you like light coffees or dark coffees? Are you more of an espresso type of person, or decaf all the way?? The best thing about making your own coffee is that you can try all different types. You go to Starbucks, and have them make you coffee, and you get maybe only three different types, two if you just want straight coffee.

Now let me digress here. You say what? If I go to Starbucks I only get two types of regular coffees?? But surely a great coffee house would have all types of coffees. They don't even freakin have a light, medium, and dark roast to choose from. Guess what you're choices are?? Decaf and Regular. Like it was freakin gas!!!! That alone should steer you away from the coffee hypocrites. Any great lover of coffee would offer at least four types of brew...AT LEAST. Light, Medium, and Dark Roast. And decaf. Beyond that they should carry flavored coffees. And various types of brew from organic to espresso.

Ugh!!!

So now you know. Go get loaded on caffeine now..the only socially acceptable drug.

Better

For the benefit of all of you who give a shit (word of the day, can you tell?) I am feeling better.

It seems that when I actually get somethings accomplished (as opposed on sitting on my buttcheeks all day long), I do feel better.

So I vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, and cleaned the kicthen. If I just keep on keeping on, I think I'll be okay.

I'm going to Starbucks with hubby now. Toodles!!!

Lack of Enthusiasm and Short of Patience

My husband made the observation that I just complain about everything lately. But he's such a whiner.

Naw, he's completely right. Everytime I turn around I'm complaining about some dumbass and their stupid freaking actions.

Anyway, I think I know why I'm so bummed lately (other than the incredible amount of idiots I encounter each day). I'm lost.

I've finished college. It was a very specific goal I had been working towards for years. Now? My personal goals are to lose weight, be a good wife, and get pregnant. Not that I don't like these goals, but I'm such a career oriented woman and there is no date specific way to obtain these goals.

Also, some of these goals are really a pain the ass. Like cleaning house and making meals. It never freakin ends. I feel like Sissyphus sometimes. I do dishes in the a.m., then when I get home there are more freakin dishes.

I've never been freakin Martha Stewart. I hate housework with a passion. Okay, maybe not that much, but I don't really enjoy it like some other women. I need a wife. Even hubby would be accepting of that I think. LOL.

Losing weight is like this too. I think I need to join WW again. At least I could talk to other people going through the same shit I'm going though. and I felt somewhat accountable when I had to weigh in in front of someone.

Anyway, I think once I've figured out what I really want to do and start planning this shit out, I'll feel much better. I appreciate the support guys. Like I said, I don't think I'm depressed, just lost.

Sorry to leave on such a bummer note. Hmmmm, let me think what can I do to cheer you up now??

How about an adorable picture of my cats?

My personal ying and yang. That's the infamous Onyx and Dasaper (convoluted nickname stemming from his original, Casper) Can you guess which one is which? If not, you're not worthy of this blog. Go read comics or something. (And if you find any good ones that aren't 15 years old or written by someone who's already passed away, lemme know.)

I need help

I just cried to Dido and Sarah McClaughlin. Auuuugggghhhhhh!!!!!

(rolls eyes)

Can someone tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I think I must be depressed. Something. Something is out of whack.

I have been so frustrated with hubby lately. Not that I don't think it's totally called for sometimes, but I get upset over the stupidest stuff. I've been moody and tired lately.

And before you go saying it...my boobs aren't tender and i just took a pregnancy test today. Negative. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Even hubby asks, "What's wrong honey? What's going on?"

All I can do is tear up and stare out the window because I have no answer. I have no freakin idea what's going on.

I do know this though. My throat has been feeling a little off. And the past few days my stomach has hurt. It hurt so bad yesterday, right under my breasts these sharp pains like someone was sticking a small plastic drink knife in my stomach. Ugh!!! I actually went home early yesterday and slept from 2 - 6 p.m. Then fell asleep again around 10:30 p.m.

Hubby and I had a horrendous fight this morning...again. I don't know why, but it's always been like this. We are at our worst in the a.m. He even called to apologize a few minutes ago. I can remember us doing the same shit like 8 years ago. Me leaping out of cars at 7 in the morning because we'd gotten into a fight on the way to work.

So we'll get another car. Hopefully before the divorce.

Freaked Out

So, do you ever get obsessed by death? Just suddenly you're overcome by a fear of losing time.

I don't know what got into me. I was catching up on Lost episodes last night, but that doesn't mean anything. Nothing to fear there.

So right before I went to bed, I thought about how much I haven't accomplished in life. And how I would prefer to die after I have children at least. Set hubby up so that he is taken care of if I die.

When I went to bed, everything was dark and I just lay there hoping that there is a God and that I've done right by him. Random thoughts of blackness and pain filled my mind. I started wondering if there really was a heaven. What if there was just blackness or nothing? My existance ends. Period.

Oddly enough, even when I question the afterlife, I still talk to God. So there I was thinking the worst all the while apologizing to God for doubting. As my eyes closed, images started to fill my head. Bad images and I prayed for forgiveness. (Yeah, I was being a little morbid last night)

I finally got to sleep, and I don't remember what I dreampt, however when I woke up it was dark, except for the outline of a hand. A bony hand. I lept up from the bed and looked again. Of course, nothing.

Hubby started to mumble. He said something that frightened me. Like "It's all over" or something equally frightening.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back he started mumbling about how I was Eleanor Rigby. I kept on saying, "What do you mean by that?" I scared the hell out of me. (Anyone who knows E.R. knows the song is about someone who died lonely.)

I finally did get to sleep, but only after saying my prayers and asking forgiveness about a million times. Dusk for me is always the worst. Especially that dusk you encounter right before you fall asleep. It's like your own little twilight zone.

But I survived. Another day. Another frightening, paranoid night.