Freaked Out

So, do you ever get obsessed by death? Just suddenly you're overcome by a fear of losing time.

I don't know what got into me. I was catching up on Lost episodes last night, but that doesn't mean anything. Nothing to fear there.

So right before I went to bed, I thought about how much I haven't accomplished in life. And how I would prefer to die after I have children at least. Set hubby up so that he is taken care of if I die.

When I went to bed, everything was dark and I just lay there hoping that there is a God and that I've done right by him. Random thoughts of blackness and pain filled my mind. I started wondering if there really was a heaven. What if there was just blackness or nothing? My existance ends. Period.

Oddly enough, even when I question the afterlife, I still talk to God. So there I was thinking the worst all the while apologizing to God for doubting. As my eyes closed, images started to fill my head. Bad images and I prayed for forgiveness. (Yeah, I was being a little morbid last night)

I finally got to sleep, and I don't remember what I dreampt, however when I woke up it was dark, except for the outline of a hand. A bony hand. I lept up from the bed and looked again. Of course, nothing.

Hubby started to mumble. He said something that frightened me. Like "It's all over" or something equally frightening.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back he started mumbling about how I was Eleanor Rigby. I kept on saying, "What do you mean by that?" I scared the hell out of me. (Anyone who knows E.R. knows the song is about someone who died lonely.)

I finally did get to sleep, but only after saying my prayers and asking forgiveness about a million times. Dusk for me is always the worst. Especially that dusk you encounter right before you fall asleep. It's like your own little twilight zone.

But I survived. Another day. Another frightening, paranoid night.